You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Being unemployed when you have the biggest Johnson in the world.
HUH?
I wish I could make this up, but this story out of New York is so ludicrous you are going to have to read on.
DATE LINE: Manhattan
According to an HBO documentary from 1999, Jonah Falcon had the world’s biggest Johnson. Weighing in at a whopping 13.5 inches, Falcon was a man among men.
A decade later, having a very large private part is not doing much to put food on the table, pay his bills or land him any acting parts. Falcon is a struggling actor/writer, and he is out of work, between gigs and living in his mom’s Manhattan apartment. If she had a basement, I suspect that is where we would find this well hung soul.
I don’t know about you, but this is no way for the world’s biggest inseam to be living. Broke, out of work, living with his mommy.
So if the HBO report is remotely accurate, what about porn as a possible acting career, you ask?
Good question.
You would think a man with an egg plant swinging between his legs would do quite well in adult films or at least at the farmer’s market.
“How much is that egg plant selling for a pound Merle?”
“I don’t do porn,” he says. “If I did porn nobody would take me seriously.”
I can guarantee you, the actress you were performing with would have your complete and unadulterated attention. I think the extras would take you seriously, as they put up crime tape and moved the crowd back. The craft service guy would take you seriously as he sold jelly donuts for double the price when you were on set. And the lighting crew, they would take you extra seriously, probably give you a standing ovation.
Seriously? Seriously? Nothing says seriously like a slab of beef saluting for old Glory.
“Besides,” Falcon says, “having sex on a crowded movie set really isn’t my idea of fun.”
“NOT FUN?”
I don’t know many men who could even force those words out of their mouth.
Then tell them they are going to get paid to have sex! Man get yourself a wash cloth because you’ll have to start wiping the drool off the guy’s chin.
In case you’re wondering; Falcon is a pretty regular dude for a dude who is anything but regular. He’s 5-foot-9 with an average build, with average-sized hands and a size-10.5 foot. He is an inspiration for all men of ordinary stature.
Apparently his “tiger in the tank” is a blessing from the Gods. It’s as if Zeus stood at the top of Mt. Olympus and forged a lightning bolt out of fire, smearing it across the loins of a human stallion.
If they got HBO on the Dark Continent, I believe entire African villages would bow down to mighty Falcon, sacrificing small jungle creatures to him and naming their first born after him.
All this seems somehow lost on Falcon. He says his below-the-belt sensation is all natural and has been causing a commotion since junior high school, when he had to change for gym class.
“These days, nobody notices me,” he says. “Unless I decide to go out in bike shorts. Then I get some stares.
Bike Shorts? That is disturbing.
Children running. Women screaming. Police whistles wailing. Pizza delivery guys cheering. Dogs chasing Falcon snipping at his crotch, thinking a salami is falling to the ground.
I guess it can be a real hassle being the world’s most well endowed man.
But unemployed? You got to think being the biggest or smallest or shortest or tallest or richest or fastest anything in the world is worth something right? Get Paid brother, get paid!!
The irony in all this? The guy wants to be an actor; a real actor, in movies that don‘t show-case his Johnson.
What a paradox: An average man whose crotch was forged by Titans, a man who seems predestined to be a porn legend, a man who will never be celebrated as anything but an ordinary John.
Life can be crazy, wearing bike shorts or not.