You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Power tools in the hands of the criminally insane!
This next story is ludicrous, and features a woman who tries to kill her husband by sabotauging his saw.
DATELINE: OLYMPIA, Wash.
It’s here in the Pacific Northwest that Carolyn Paulsen-Riat is accused of attempted murder using a method that even Home Depot can endorse.
Court papers allege Paulsen-Riat was angry because her husband was leaving her. Rather than rejoice like so many women today would have, Paulsen-Riat took it to the nefarious depths of crazy.
Her diabolical plan started when she asked her husband to build her some shelves.
Did she really want shelves? No.
Did she need more storage place for their wedding album? No.
What this delusional rain soaked wench wanted was an ex husband with no pulse.
According to authorities, here’s what happened: Mr. Riat, aka Power-Tool, was out in his workshop using a 220-volt power saw.
Suddenly, the saw zigged when it should have zagged and Power-Tool was on the floor seeing stars.
Paramedics arrive and shoo away the tweety birds and stars circling Power-Tool’s head. Thankfully he was not seriously hurt, though he did tell paramedics in a foggy distant voice that if he dies he wants to be buried with his shop-vac.
So what happened? That’s what investigators asked the wife.
She could have said, “I dunno”.
But when your best murder plan involves power tools, you probably are not running on all cylinders. So this woman with diarehea of the mouth described a hair brained plot where she allegedly crossed the wires in Mr. Riat’s table saw.
Creative, if not completely idiotic!Lady, if you want to kill your husband, you really think reversing wires in a power saw is your best option? You’d have more luck killing the poor idiot with the Flux Capacitor from Back to the Future. Who the hell do you think you are, MacGiver? At least MacGiver would have completed the job, and all he would need is the aluminium foil from a gum wrapper to do it.
What made you think this plan would actually kill? It’s like getting shocked by the vaccum cleaner. If you really want to do him in, toss the running table saw into the shower with him. If the electric shock doesn’t kill him, maybe the spinning blades will clip a major artery or a testicle and he’ll bleed to death.
When all else fails, go conventional on his ass lady. Poison or pistols or rolling pins to the back of the head.
How about Mr. Plum in the Conservatory with the Candlestick for God’s sakes.
And why admit you did it? Blame it on Black and Decker. Tell the cops Home Depot wanted your husband dead. Tell the gum-shoes Bob Villa came to you in a dream talking about reverse polarity and insurance policy pay offs.
You deserve to go to jail lady. Maybe you’ll get the electric chair. Or maybe they’ll just hook your metal bunk up to a car battery and give you a little Delco Juice to remind you how stupid you are.
That’s crazy