You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Coffee Pot Cooking?
It’s crazier than wearing a chum flavored wet suit while surfing.
What is coffee pot cooking? It’s a culinary oddity perpetrated by a strange group of food connesuiers.
Instead of putting ground French roast in the basket, they stuff a baked potato in there. Instead of putting the coffee pot on the burner, they throw down some butter and fry up a damned steak.
Coffee Pot cooking? Chef Gordon Ramsey just threw an uncooked pork chop at a member of his kitchen staff.
When I crank up my Mr. Coffee Pot, I inhale a rich aroma of percolating Columbian beans. I watch it drip delightfully through the filter slowly filling the pot, simmering, brewing, transporting my taste buds to a caffeinated rainbow in a cloud universe far far away.
While I dream of liquified perfection, others look at their Mr. Coffee pot and see steamed broccoli and poached salmon.
Poached salmon in a coffee maker?
My first thought is regurgitative. I am a baby bird swallowing momma bird’s reconstituted stomach contents.
I can’t imagine cooking a fish or poached eggs or even pumpkin soup in a coffee pot. Yet it’s going on today somewhere in the world.
Coffee pot cookery requires a little electricity, a fryer plate and a steam basket. To some, that’s the equivalent of a Viking stainless steel Kitchen.
Personally, I find this culinary curiousness repulsive. I’d just as soon cook a steak on the manifold of my SUV.
I’m told you have to gun the engine at 6,000 rpm’s for 4 minutes to cook a steak medium rare.
Cooking in a coffee pot was reportedly started by soldiers in Afghanistan complaining about grub in the mess hall.
Warming up an MRE in a fox hole on a mountain makes sense. Cooking an omelette in a coffee pot basket makes me wonder if people are sniffing more glue than they use to.
According to the official coffee pot cooking guide, recipes for the coffee maker include, mac ‘n’ cheese, short ribs and chicken soup.
It makes my gag reflex go all Lady Gaga.
According to coffee pot cooking experts, there are 3 cooking techniques:
- Steam: The basket at the top is a great place to steam vegetables like broccoli.
- Poach: The carafe at the bottom serves as a simple vessel for poaching fish and chicken.
- Grill: This technique is a bit more advanced — and time-consuming But if you’re really itching for a grilled cheese sandwich or a cinnamon bun in a motel room, the coffee maker’s burner can serve as a miniature grill.
A miniature grill?
That’s like saying a match book, the New York Times and a hotel garbage pail is a bar b que pit.
If a coffee pot can cook a cheeseburger, it makes me wonder what other appliances can do.
How about baked bread in the dryer?, fried eggs in the toaster?, bacon cooked on a 100 watt light bulb?
Nothing says good morning sailor like waffels warming up on the back of the refrigerator condenser.
When it comes to edible consumption, If there’s a will, there’s a way.
The question is why?
I’d rather eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches than a bake potato smashed into the basket of a Mr. Coffee pot and brewed into a starchy paste.
Yuk.
Life’s Crazy™