You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
An ABC report on seasonal food.
It was disgusting.
With titles like: Pumpkin pie potato chips and candy cane chocolate milk, I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me.
And reporter Darren Revelle is the man bringing this ridiculous story to life.
He’s a non descript butter cup muffin puffin looking weebles wobble but they don’t fall down type reporter. He is meandering through the supermarket, pulling holiday food off the shelves and then, eating it.
He stops, glares into the camera and rips open the lid of cool whip. It’s like he’s exhuming a body from the crypt. Then this ghoul sticks his chubby little fingers into the viscous broth. He sticks the melting mess into his pie hole and swishes the product in his mouth like it’s fine wine.
Vomit clean up in aisle 3, I holler.
Then the reporter is off to the cookie section where he opens a Holiday bag of Chips Ahoy.
It’s entitled “Seasonal Delight.” It’s covered with snow and elves and little shards of frozen enticement.
The guy’s a whiner, but he’s right. There sure is a lot of festively decorated food on the shelves.
I guess my over all thought is: SO WHAT?
The pudgy reporter rips open a bag of Oreo Cookies. “Winter Oreos” he spews.
“It tastes like the same old Oreo he says, cookies and spittle falling out of the corner of his mouth.
Suddenly something as foreign to this story as intelligence in a Jenny Jones audience emerges.
It’s a Humpty Dumpty looking graphic.
That’s right a fact. A single solitary fact in a 90 second story about holiday food in a supermarket.
The fact: 76 percent of consumers like seasonal packaging but only 53 percent like season flavors.
Wow. That is Emmy award winning stuff. What the hell does that even mean?
Didn’t abc producers have time to show me one more bomb dropping in Gaza?
This idiot isn’t done. He shows me shapes of Ritz flavored snow flakes and pumpkin egg nog and white chocolate peppermint Pringles.
It’s a journalistic travesty. Somewhere Peter Jennings is hacking up a Marlboro flavored lung.
This abomination of people magazine induced news concludes with a Baskin Robbins turkey ice cream cake.
It looks like a turkey dripping with gravy flavored caramel. It’s gross, like a melting puddle of motor oil in a Mexican Pemex gas station.
There are two ice cream cones pushed into the creamy mess. The cones do look like turkey legs.
Bravo Baskin Robbins.
And the caramel does resemble gravy.
You’ve created a gastronimcal illusion fitting for a reporter as sorry as Darren Revelle.
As he babbles on about something holiday-esque, I stare at the ice cream turkey.
It’s appetizing like licking pork chops off a homeless man’s chest is appetizing.
Finally the story ends and George Stephanopolous weighs in.
“That ice cream turkey looked great,” He says.
Oh My God.
Please.
Show me some damn news.
and that is crazy.™