You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Valentines day is crazy.
No disrespect to you hopeless romantics, but you can take February 14th and shove it.
Hearts and candies and flowers and Mylar balloons with messages of love.
Like so much dog doo on the bottom of my shoe, Valentines Day stinks.
It seems so contrived, so over sensationalized, so preconceived.
If Valentines Day could sing, it would be a chubby Brittany Spears concert full of lip synching drivel.
The so called holiday is a TV producers wet dream. Days before Valentine’s Day, I am seeing special reports on Good Morning America about picking the right diamond, choosing the most romantic restaurants, selecting the best flowers.
Why?
It’s a Hallmark manufactured holiday. It is designed to generate money for flower shops, revenue for greeting card company’s, and sales at the chocolate counter.
Cupid is an arrow launching punk wearing a diaper. Spray the little gnat with a can of RAID.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a subscriber of the thought “If you can’t love the one you want, then love the one you’re with.” But don’t do it because of a date on the calendar. Don’t let February 14th intimidate you.
Don’t let Jared’s Jewelry commercials make you feel like a douche because you didn’t lay out $850 dollars for that special someone.
The whole concept is a farce. It makes men feel like they have to buy roses and cards and dinner.
After men open their wallets and hearts, they have a sadly unrealistic expectation that women should show affection. If either party doesn’t complete their end of the transaction, it is a recipe for disaster.
Why not treat every day like Valentine’s Day? Why not buy your lover flowers on April 7th? Why don’t you shower your wife with pearls on June 3rd? Why not take your girlfriend to dinner on Sept 18th?
The heck with Valentines day. It’s for suckers.
I’m holding out another month for a real holiday.
St. Patrick’s day.
Now I realize March 17th is a beer industry sponsored extravaganza, but it’s a celebration without expectations.
Erin Go Bragh. Kiss Me I’m Irish. Pinch me if you are wearing green.
So much potential for drunken debauchery which often leads to ample amounts of loving. The beautiful thing is expectations are realistic if not down right green. No need to send your lover a
St. Patricks day card or green carnation or chocolates made out of mint.
Give your date a bunch of green beer and let alcohol be your guide to better relations.
If only Israel and the Palestinians could figure this out.
It is with this knowledge that I present the following Crazy Story.
DATELINE: Sacramento, California
SHOW US YOUR T**S!
A nice theme at Mardi Gras if you are tossing beads down from a balcony on Bourbon Street, but not such a great message if your 12 year old daughter is munching on Valentines day candies.
According to a Sacramento TV station, a 6th grade girl is eating a Valentines day treat when she came across a candy with a sassy little message.
You know the candy. They are heart shaped and they have silly phrases on them like: I love you, You are cute, Be my Valentine.
That’s why it’s so unusual when the little girl pulled one from the bag that said: “nice t***”
As you might imagine no dad wants their baby girl seeing something so repulsive on a candy heart.
“I thought it was kinda shocking. I was reading them, and I brought it to my dad after I saw it,” said Ciara Bush.
The child’s father, who does not plan to take legal action against candy maker Brach’s, emailed the company and was promptly told to send the offending heart back to the company.
Valentines Day. Holiday of the Devil.
Just another reason to take those old Valentines Day cards and line the bird cage with them.
And that is crazy.