You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Professional shoplifters. Scum bag rat bastards.
These people are slimy like phloem. They are corrupt like congress. They are wrong like licking a wall socket.
Shoplifting is a low level crime that attracts as much attention as a yest infection epidemic.
and then there are the super shop lifters and it’s like a cold splash of aqua velva on a newly shaved neck.
recently, I covered a story that is infuriating.
A woman was arrested for shoplifting. Yawn. So what, right.
Wrong. It’s how she stole that makes me so mad.
She was like a business woman. Like she had a PhD in thievery. She apparently took orders from people she knew and she stole for them.
She is like UPS of cleptomaniacs.
You want Polo cologne?
She would tell you how much it retails for and then she would steal it for you.
She would give you a major discount and she would make 100 percent profit.
The retailer takes it in the shorts and then passes that ass whoopin on to us.
This piece of gum on my shoe was crafty. She had a spiral notebook full of orders. She wrote like a girl, using purple pen with big swirly letters. But she stole like a guy name Vito.
Page one of her theft note book: There’s a guy named BUG. Bug wanted toddler T’s size 5.
Way to raise your kid Bug, hiring a thief to clothe him. Buy it yourself Bug. Go get a job, loser.
Some people named Al and Gwen had orders for legos and coach hand bags and Levi jeans.
Nice wish list douche bags. Get a life losers.
This woman is like Santa Claus. She’s making a list and checking it twice. She’s gonna find out whose naughty and who is just a piece of crap, like her sorry ass self.
So I see the video of this fat ass thief pushing a buggy around the mall. She is on the phone talking to her boyfriend who is scouting out the scene for her as she puts box after box into her cart.
Then the video shows her going to the front door. She is a nasty hemmoroid of a woman, waddling, her gigantic thighs grinding with every illegal step she takes.
She puts her merchandiseinto a foil lined bag. She strolls right out the front door like she legitimately purchased the goods.
She is slick. She is technologically savy. She is a common thief.
She gets away on this night, But like all thieves she’s greedy.
She comes back two days later and now store security and police know who she is.
They stop her in the parking lot and they hit the mother load.
They find jewelry and clothes and hand bags and toy helicopters. She has thousands in stolen merchandise.
They make her confess. She is a worm.
Police catch her red handed and she has to admit it is her, the huge woman hiding behind the tiny orange purse.
That’s when they find her notebook full of orders.
Sadly they can’t go after these losers.
But they will also charge her for using that aluminum lined bag to thwart the security device at the door.
I check her record. She really has none. She’ll get slapped on the wrist and be back out just in time to get Bug those Toddler T’s he so deserves.
Freaking loser.
And that is crazy.™