You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Health Care in this country.
While everyone has been debating the merits of Obama-Care, I’ve been pulling out my eye brow hairs over my own health care nightmare.
I consider myself the back bone of this nation. When I look in the mirror I see Middle America. I am the guy who makes America what America is. I’m the guy with kids who needs to buy a refrigerator and put my kids through college. I am the face of America. I am the guy with the mortgage and a car loan and helping to subsidize the future through my willingness to spend spend spend. Well America, if you’re listening, I’m getting kind of pissed off, and I’m definitely getting sick.
My work health plan is a joke written by Chris Rock and delivered late Night by Jay Leno. My health care is a wad of chewed gum stuck under a bus bench. When I consider my health care it’s like I have no health care at all. My health care is the promise of a lottery ticket that I get to purchase at premium price, but a lottery ticket I know I am never going to win.
Health Care is complex, but my plan can be explained quite simply: The first $4,000 dollars comes out of my pocket. FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS! After I meet that Four Grand then everyone gets to Dance!
After I meet my $4,000 dollar out of pocket committment, my health plan is a leisurly stroll down the Champs De Ellysee. Break out the brie and the champagne with the strawberries.
After I satisfy my $4,000 dollars, it’s a health care ala-cart. I can say to myself; hey I feel like a colonoscopy today!” If that $4,000 dollars is satisfied; go for it! Get that colonoscopy every grown man looks forward to. Colon oriented procedures? NO PROBLEM! They are on the house. Eyes bugging you? Get them checked? Why Not? I got two of them. Check one, check both. “Sure Doc, I see the Big E on the chart. What’s that cost me? 150 bills? I laugh like the guy fluffing Tiger Wood’s pillow at the sex rehab clinic.
150-dollars for an eye exam? HA HA HA, Charge it to my health care please. $4,000 dollars all paid up? I’m bored today, I think I’ll order an MRI on my tongue to see what it looks like when low energy radiation is beamed through it. What’s that gonna cost? Who cares? It’s free. Health care for everyone! You Canadians feeling all warm and fuzzy yet?
Wait a minute. It doesn’t quite work that way. This is the Red White and Blue.
You see, my health care is a pirate ship where administrators have a hook for a hand, and make you walk the plank.
“Find your health care in Davy Jones’ Locker, me hartee, if ye can.”
The health care pirates have devised a plan so nefarious so diabolical that it should come with a skull and cross bone warning. It should come with a lead apron you wear over your private area when they exray your prostate.
$4,000 dollas out of pocket! It’s dollar for dollar till I meet my deductible. $4,000 dollars out of pocket is my responsibility, then I can order blood work like tequilla shots at my favorite Mexican Restaurant. Until then, I’ll need to sell my blood down at the red cross just to get the doctor to look at me.
$4,000 dollars is not a lot when it comes to health care. That tongue MRI is going to run twice that much. The problem is coming up with $4,000 dollars when the rest of life is kicking you in your scrotum.
Unless there is a catastropic injury, God forbid, like an airplane part falls out of the sky and severs my toe, I am never going to reach Zero. Think about $4,000 dollars out of pocket. Who the hell has $4,000 dollars laying around. And the damn insurance terrorists know this. They have squadrons of douche bags and this is all they do. They sit their leather pleated think tanks all day and say to each other; “how do we screw the middle class guy?” “How much out of pocket is just enough out of pocket so he doesn’t leave the plan, yet we never have to pay for any of his family’s “normal” health problems?”
If my family is lucky, or unlucky, depending on what our problem is, perhaps we’ll eat up $4,000 dollars by December. Hooray! Free health care for the next 31 days. Of course doctors are gone the week of Christmas and New Year’s so that leaves 15 days to go health crazy!
I love American Health Care don’t you?
People are bitching about Obama-care. I have real health care and it hurts more than bending over in a prison shower. At least if you have no health care, you can show up on the doorstep of any major teaching hospital and they are compelled to treat you. Sadly they pawn your expense off on dumb ass Middle Class Americans like me in the form of higher health care costs. That’s why a Q-tip costs $48 dollars.
DATELINE: Nashville, Tennessee
I was told when I was 16 that I didn’t have allergies. Some body F-in lied to me. I am allergic to Tennessee in a big way. The trees are greening up and the pollen is multiplying in the atmoshphere like the plague. I might as well walk up to my cat and start huffing his tail that’s how bad I have it right now.
My sinuses have blown a damn gasket. My head is more messed up than a game of Naked Twister at Sunday School.
My eyes are producing more moisture than Rosie O’Donnell on a treadmill. I have bags under my eyes that are so swollen, I feel like putting preparation-H on my cheeks. I clear my throat incessantly, and blow my nose so much, I am thinking of saving all my mucus in a mason’s jar and donating it to the Vanderbilt ENT department as a paper weight.
Because I don’t have $225 dollars burning a hole in my pocket, I am self medicating. I am consuming Contact cold tablets like a child eating candy from a PEZ dispenser. Vicks nasal spray warns to discontinue use after 3 days. 3 Days? I laugh in the face of 3 days? How bout 3 weeks? How bout 3 months? I am a Vicks junkie. The supermarket recently ran out of the 12-hour version, and I was out on the street corner trading a toaster to a guy named Slick. If I don’t shove that damn bottle up my nose every few hours, I become a mouth breather. I feel like I’m drowning in my own fluids. One good chemical vapor blast of Vicks dries me up and allows me to exist like a human who is not trying to breathe through a porposie blow hole.
My eyes have been burning as if they are bathing in paprika sauce. They are dry like sand paper and itch like a briar patch massage.
Because I don’t hae $225 dollars burning a hole in my pocket, and because my health plan balance is still hovering around $4,000 dollars, me going to see a doctor is about as likely as a PLO theme park in downtown Jerusalem.
No doctor for me. I’ve seen E.R. I Watch Gray’s Anatomy. I’m self medicating. Way to go health care USA.
We can put a man on the moon, but I have to consume useless over the counter medication that just wastes my money and makes me a pharmacy junkie. The guy at Publix eyes me like I’m cooking up Meth in the parking lot.
“Hey pharmacy Nazi. I’m a damn American. Get out of my face!”
So I rummage through all my bathroom drawers and find little vials of eye drops that I have accuulated over the years. If it says OPTHA-fill-in-the-blank, I’m squiriting it in my eyes. A little from the pink bottle mixed with a few drops from the blue bottle, and viola! It’s like an eye cocktail sauce that is sure to help reduce the itch.
This is my health care! A health care where i’m litterally brewing up my own eye wash from left over medicine from years gone by. I don’t know what the medicine is designed to do, nor do I know its expiration date?
So finally, after 3 plus weeks of looking like a street beggar with eyes so baggy, American airlines would charge an extra $50 dollars for each sag, I broke down and made a doctor’s appointment.
The Doctor asked me what was ailing me and I told him. What have you been taking, he asks. I turn over my bag and dump out a series of useless over the counter medications ranging from Benadryl to Contact to medicines that aren’t even sold in the Western World anymore.
He laughed? What’s all this?
It’s health care in America Doc. It’s health care in America.
Look I got $225 dollars in my pocket so poke me, prod me, inject me, prescribe me something that is going to break this evil spell. And make sure it is going to work because I won’t be back till December. You working December 25th Doc? That’s my first get out of jail health care day.
You see New Year’s Day really is a day to start new again. In my health care America it is the day for all those scum bag health gurus to sit back and light up their fat as Cuban Cigars. You see that’s the day my health odometer resets to $4,000 dollars again.
I’m back on the medical clock and they’re laughing all the way to their Gulf Shores Beach Houses.
I hate those guys and hope they are eaten by sharks. I hope the sharks drag them down and scatter their entrails across the sea floor. A 1000 years from now their molecular structure will turn into petroleum. Somewhere in the great after life I will be laughing as my great great great great great grand kids can pump a gallon of their sorry asses into their cars.
Nice doing business with you America. Thanks for the help.
Now turn your head and cough.
“Anyone got $225 or some BLACK MARKET nose spray I could borrow.”
And that is crazy!