You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
USC VS UCLA
I love this game. It’s important to me. It’s important to love this game and hate this school. I hate that school because they are soft like a badly executed stag film.
I need this game, it completes me. I need this game like Kim Kardashian needs a boyfriend who plays in the NBA.
F U C L A!
I just love the ring of it.
It brings me back to my days living off Figueroa under the watchful eye of Felix the Cat and shopping cart dudes named Jesus.
I just love the ring of it.
It brings me back to my days living off Figueroa under the watchful eye of Felix the Cat and shopping cart dudes named Jesus.
The Trojans versus the Bruins.
To the rest of the country it is a big fat so what. It’s a bear versus a condom.
To the pollsters it’s a hum drum number 18 versus number 17.
But to me, and to other USC fans, this is the only game that really matters.
This is the battle of Los Angeles.
This is the number two market in the nation. There is no NFL team. There is only gridlock and illegal immigration.
Trojans and Bruins – they are the NFL teams.
Trojans and Bruins – they are the NFL teams.
The local news covers these college teams like The New York Daily News follows Tim Tebow with his shirt off.
The Quarterback of USC is bigger than the quarterback of Kansas City whoever the hell that is.
USC v F U C L A is a huge event.
USC v F U C L A is a huge event.
Two very different fan bases who basically know each other and hate each other.
Two parts of Los Angeles, just 16 miles away, segregated by highways and distance and culturally, so much more.
Westwood, where the Bruins live, is like Disney Land. The grass is green and the air is clean and all is right with the world. Candy canes grow out of the sidewalk and fairies sprinkle pixie dust on happy lucky charms of humanity who don’t have a care in the world.
16 miles away is the darker side of the universe.
It’s where Reginald Denny comes to get his ass pulled out of a truck. It’s where Rodney King says “can’t we all just get along.”
USC is in Central Los Angeles. It’s where the Harbor and Santa Monica Freeways meet. It’s like a toxic burp of bullets and homelessness and dirty asphalt.
It’s where Reginald Denny comes to get his ass pulled out of a truck. It’s where Rodney King says “can’t we all just get along.”
USC is in Central Los Angeles. It’s where the Harbor and Santa Monica Freeways meet. It’s like a toxic burp of bullets and homelessness and dirty asphalt.
When you go to USC, you take your life in your hands.
Chances are better you could die studying at the Library at USC than playing Russian Roulette at a UCLA sorority.
Chances are better you could die studying at the Library at USC than playing Russian Roulette at a UCLA sorority.
But if life is about feeling alive, there is no more adrenaline pumping place to matriculate.
How many Bruin fans have been escorted home from a keg party in the bright spot light and churning rotor blades of the LAPD helicopter.
Normally that would rest my case, but I have only just begun to pontificate and wax poetic.
The differences are more defined than Sarah Palin at a gay pride parade.
USC’s mascot is a an aggressive, muscular, Trojan Warrior. UCLA’s mascot is a cuddly bear wearing a powder puff blue skirt wearing a bow making cookies and taking it in the kiester.
The differences between these two schools are profound.
USC vs UCLA.
It is the only game that matters in the City of Angels. Even the hobos on the street corners take sides. Families are divided. The mayor goes into hiding on this one.
The week leading up to the Trojans at Bruins is insanity. It’s an urban pinball machine on tilt.
There are bon fires and news reports and billboards excoriating each other.
This is the game every Trojan needs to win. Throw the records out. Put on the brass knuckles and get ready to rumble.
Grab a beer, punch your grandma in the face and hold on to your ass, the Troy is coming to Pasadena.
This is USC VS FUCLA.
I remember walking through the Rose Garden my Freshman year. Angry drunk frat boys were selling shirts on the corner that said “there’s nothing like screwin a bruin.” The picture above this graphic abomination featured the UCLA bear, bent over, skirt up, and the Trojan hammering home the spirit of Troy.
Fight on!
The image was harsh, almost obscene, yet they were selling the shirts on every corner. I saw old ladies wearing the damn shirt. I saw babies in onsies wearing the pornographic filth on their little baby chests.
Damn that made me proud.
Damn that made me proud.
I remember a helicopter full of Bruin douche bags flying over Tommy Trojan and dumping a chopper load of crap from 500 feet up.
Crap splattered all over the damn place. Tommy was violated.
Never again.
Every UCLA week from that point on, Tommy, the iconic Trojan statue in the middle of the campus, was covered like a gigantic metallic Bronzed penis. Every rivalry week, Tommy is wrapped tightly in garbage bags and duct tape. If the chopper were to ever return, it would only desecrate plastic and waste gas.
Remember. There is nothin like screwin a bruin.
This rivalry is the real deal. It’s the Hatfields and the McCoys with 8 million angry relatives using the same outhouse.
Trojan fans will wear T shirts that say F U C L A.
How awesome is that?
Bruin fans hate this, but that’s too F U C L A -in bad.
Bruin fans can only respond by calling us the University of Spoiled Children.
OUCH. Hurt my feelings powder puff woosies.
F U C L A.
Kindergartners will wear this shirt on Saturday.
Old ladies will wear this shirt on Saturday.
Frat boys will bear their chests and scream it to the world.
I’m sure there will be a Will Ferrell sighting sometime, some place and he will fart on the UCLA cheerleaders.
He too will say F U C L A.
We all hate Notre Dame. Golden Dome punk ass bitches.
But this week, we must beat UCLA.
They are pastel pussies who represent all that is weak in the city of angels.
FIGHT ON.
And that is crazy.™