You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
End of the world predictions.
Every time you turn around some chicken little imbecile is telling me the sky is falling.
Prognosticators with the credibility of Tiger Woods at a wife swap 12 step program tell me when my life is going to blow up.
Someone wearing a tin foil commander’s hat is predicting the end of days, when we will all be snuffed out like two gigantic thumbs compressing a cosmic flame.
End of the world theories are as reliable as a house of cards built on a fault line of misconception and paranoid delusions of weak ass science.
Hope you aren’t busy on January 12th 2012 because a planetoid is going to rear end the Earth.
If it happens, make sure you pull to the side of the Milky Way and exchange information.
BANG
Was that the world ending or was that me rolling a keg into the middle of my living room and inviting everyone to the best end of the world party ever.
Hey no sense paying off your credit card early, right?
Do what the Mayans do after one too many glasses of Sangria. Say “Manana.”
The only thing the end of the world predictions actually predict is the day I’m going put a neon colored umbrella in my rum drink and smile at the sun and say “universe, how the hell you doing pal?”
What’s with the end of days negativity people?
As Odd Job once said from his tank deep behind German lines in Kelly’s Heroes: “Why you always hitting me these negative waves?”
I’m driving down the interstate and there is a sign warning me to Repent. I’m walking down the sidewalk and there is a homeless man with a sandwich board reading: The End is near! I’m watching daytime TV and Mr. Cash says I can trade my car registration for cash.
END OF DAYS!
I’m on the internet and my in-box is blowing up with Scientific pixie dust and mathematical bong hits of paranoia and bad ju ju.
If this is not enough, I got Hollywood screenwriters telling me to tuck my head between my legs and kiss my own ass, and it only costs me $10 a ticket to do it.
Whether it’s biblical references to birds falling to the ground or Mayan calendars predicting a blackening sky, it’s all a celestial crap shoot.
It’s not like Nostradamus knows anything more than the farmer’s almanac which knows even less than your local weather caster.
If he did, he’d be sitting at a black jack table at the Wynn with a couple of honey’s on his arm hitting on 20 against the dealer’s ace.
Chilax.
Grab a frosty and enjoy life.
We all love a good tale of doom, and here’s the latest story to make you run and stick your head in the sand.
DATELINE: CHERYNOBL
Russian Scientists Claim an Asteroid May Hit Earth in 2036
May hit the Earth in 2036!
Then again it MIGHT NOT! It might miss us by the length of the Milky Way. Nobody knows anything.
Russian scientists not wanting to be outdone by the local fortune teller in Minsk issue this hard to prove or disprove theorem:
April 13, 2036 is the day that the Apophis asteroid is most likely to hit the Earth.
Damn, right before tax day.
“Its likely a collision with Earth may occur on April 13, 2036,” scientists say inhaling a huge bong hit of Chernobyl produced pot.
According to published reports: Asteroid Apophis could kill up to 10 million people. That would of course suck if it actually happened.
Or as is typically the case, it could vapor trail its ass through the cosmos like so many other far fetched stories of what if and I don’t know.
I say celebrate life. Treat every day like a gift. I doubt that the world is going to blow up any time soon. And if it does, like a Mike Tyson right hook, we’re never going to see it coming.
One minute you’ll be ordering a 12% beef burrito at the drive through window at Taco Bell and the next minute….
WHAP!
DARKNESS.
END OF DAYS.
So if you want to have an Asteroid Apophis party, this weekend, next weekend, right now…
I am totally cool with that. Any reason to celebrate life right now sounds like a good reason to me.
and that is crazy.™