Speaking entirely for myself, I don’t need to hold another man’s video crotch in my hand. God forbid a call comes through and you have to push a bunch of virtual buttons to answer it. God only knows what might happen when I put the crotch to my ear and scream out: “I can’t hear you my crotch doesn’t get reception in here.”
The game is supposed to be a test of patience or stamina or will power or something. When you finally give in, you can compare your score with slackers all over the world.
andycordan.com review: So let me get this straight. You pay for an application that generates a fingerprint. Now let the fun begin as you place your own fingerprint on the illuminated, cyber fingerprint. Hold on a second, I need to sit down to absorb all this information. The goal is to see how long you can keep your finger on the screen, ultimately matching idiocy with idiots and miscreants all around the planet.
I would rather, these morons lick their thumbs and then place them in an nearby electrical socket at the bar. Now I’d pay .99 cents to see these bozos light themselves up.
3 ) TAXI: Designed for tourists who fear that big-city cabbies will ignore their waves and whistles and drive on by, this app does the whistling for you. And when you tilt your iPhone horizontally, it flashes the word “TAXI” colorfully and rapidly enough to require a disclaimer. (It can trigger seizures when used near epileptics.) One reviewer suggested that if you are going to wave it around the streets of New York, it should really be flashing “STEAL ME.”
andycordan.com review: Personally, if you need a display screen flashing the word TAXI to get the attention of a cab, then you have all the personality of the invisible man. If you are in New York, then do as the foul mouth locals do. You get in the middle of a lane of traffic, you grab your crotch with one hand and stick two fingers in your pie hole and whistle at anything with four wheels. And this is just how the women do it. A six inch cyber Taxi sign? give me a break. If I’m a thief and I see you hold up an iphone in your freakishly weak little hand, i’m knocking you in your head and taking your iphone. As a thief, I then buy an app that turns my iphone into a 6 inch cyber gun and I go into the nearest liquor store and get me some old grand dad on the house. Of course the clerk hands me an iphone with a picture of Old Grand Dad that I proceed to drink in a cyber universe. After I’m done burping up cyber booze in a back alley, I say a silent prayer of thanks to Apple. It’s sadly cold now, and I am homeless and sleepy from all the cyber booze I have consumed. So I turn my iphone into a copy of the New York Times and cover myself with a six inch blanket of warmth. God Bless you iphone!
4) drunk sniper! Now this one has potential. You would miss the general frat-boy flavor of the App Store if we didn’t include at least one bathroom game. This one is played at crotch level and simulates the challenge of controlling one’s flow when under the influence of alcohol. The more virtual drinks you consume, the more the room seems to sway.The program keeps score of your splashes — and those of other players around the world. An added benefit for the ladies: “Here is a chance to try walking in men’s shoes.”
andycordan.com review: What’s more fun than sending video urine spraying across the display screen. Wet the floor and the seat and perhaps your own video hand. LOL! fun for the whole family. Get grandma a virtual piss app and watch her bust her girdle with laughter.
5) COW TOSS : Another publication rated Cow Toss the 4th stupidest app ever written for the iPhone, but that doesn’t do justice to all the other dumb apps.The rules are simple: You flick the image of a cow with your finger to send it flying through space — mooing and bouncing all the way — and score points according to a system that is never fully explained. The developers say they hoped with the latest update to be rated “most stupid.” They’re not even close.
andycordan.com review: i’ve tipped real cows before. It’s dangerous and you usually have to have a healthy buzz to do it. You might not realize it from the interstate at 70 mph but cows are big mothers. I guess if you are a little afraid and only have limited time and can spare .99 cents, then I guess a cow tipping app will do. If this is your fetish, this may be the best of all worlds.
And now some iphone apps developed by andycordan.com. These were created under a drunken veil of flatulence and a field sobriety test for stupid.
Here are our top five “make believe apps that embody complete and utter uselessness. Thought up but not produced in conjunction and with the sole permission of the CRAZY COLLECTION.
1) TIPPING APP. This is several games in one, starting with the infamous cow tipping where you use your finger to push over cows in video fields of dreams. When you push over enough cows they moo angrilly and spray the screen with sour milk. Man that is fun. Game two: How about midget dunking where you hold tiny people’s heads in pretend toilet bowls of fun. When you drown enough midgets, a diabolical face of Dick Chaney explodes from the background and -congratulates you, inviting you to walk Iranian Prisoners with a dog leash at Guantanamo Prison.
2) F-OFF! app: This is a no brainer, litterally. Just fire up the app and BAM! A six inch middle finger that flips the bird in vivid colors with an american flag banner behind it. To show the recipient of your bird-app you mean business, the fingernail on your middle finger lights up with a skull’s head. Suddenly there’s an evil pirate laugh that warns all who gaze upon this app that you have the power over life and death. “Don’t make me break out my Pirate Plank!, you sons of bitches! Don’t make me do it!”
3) NOSE PICKING app: A glowing neon colored finger picks a large mucousy nose, extracting a radioactive booger that kills anyone not wearing a protective body condom. You can flick the irradiating snot wad at the cow in mid air or drop it on Hiroshima, as sort of a 50th anniversary gag that probably won’t make you many friends over seas. I’m sure the booger app will impress any girl who scored at least a 850 on her S.A.T. “Hi baby, want to see my booger?” That is a sure TAKE ME HOME line at the bar.
4) EXECUTION app: How about an app where you execute the bad guy. You can inject him with video chemicals and then laugh out loud as his heart stops and his eyes fill with little x’s. When the curtain closes, three nuns wearing black and white habits get up and start doing the can can like the flying nun on acid. Hillarity. Fun had by all.
5) HAMMER app. This app is for the Home Depot patron in all of us. How bout an app where your iphone turns into a hammer and you can build a deck. The only problem is, when you bang your first nail with your iphone hammer, your iphone screen shatters. This app is brought to you buy iphone which encourages you to buy as many iphones per year as you possibly can. Remember the iphone motto: Why eat when you can buy iphones. Don’t pay your rent, just purchase our apartment app and hold your new phone over your head when it begins to rain. Hell what do you expect for .99 cents.
6) DRUNK LINGO app: How bout an app that translates your drunken words into understandable sentences. So the next time you get pulled over by the cops and you say : “wha you pull i don’t hav a drin yet.” Just hold up your iphone and it will eloquently proclaim; “good evening officer. I was on my way home from a church dinner. I have had no alcoholic beverages to consume and I gave at the policeman’s charity ball. My you are a handsome man.”
Thanks to that .99 cent app, the cop not only doesn’t arrest you, but he puts his lights and sirens on and leads you to your driveway like you are an astronaut-hero. Sure beats your 3rd DUI and automatic 1 year in jail. huh?