You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
This headline: Squirrel Stalks Vermont Neighborhood
You read right!
This squirrel has nuts the size of bowling balls and a nasty disposition that would make Don Rickles wince.
DATELINE: BENNINGTON, Vermont.
It’s in this bucolic landscape that a little grey squirrel has gone rogue, attacking three residents.
The squirrel swoops out of trees and drops onto the head of unsuspecting joggers and people washing their cars.
Like a furry ninja, this tiny attack rodent has lost its ever loving mind.
Rather than sit on the branches of the neighborhood elm tree, this crazed nut hoarder is machinating, looking for confrontation. He is a fuzzy fiend with an over bite.
What’s got the crazy squirrel so crazy?
One Vermont Vet says the little bushy bastard is homesick for the family that raised it. That’s a stretch don’t you think?
More on that insipidness in a minute, but first…
Kevin McDonald lives in the hood. He says he was shoveling snow recently when the rebel squirrel jumped onto him. “All of a sudden I felt something on my back and shoulders, scratching,” McDonald said.
The squirrel is like a two pound Frankenstein monster terrorizing the townspeople.
What can we do? How can we stop this satanic ball of fur and teeth?
Well you could always arm yourself with pitchforks and march through the village with flaming torches.
It didn’t work for towns people fighting Frankenstein and it probably won’t work against a squirrel who brushes his fangs with Jeigermeister.
According to published reports: McDonald said his first concern was that the squirrel might have rabies.
Vermont Public Health Veterinarian Robert Johnson said there has never been a documented case of a squirrel passing rabies to a human.
This is the same vet who said the squirrel was raised by humans.
“They’ve lost their fear of people and they go ballistic (when they encounter a person) because it’s not their human,”
Not their human? What is this Dawn of the Dead?
This vet is high on the dumb juice if you ask me.
Another possibility is that the squirrel suffered some sort of injury, the vet added.
Personally, I think the cantankerous squirrel has become a tree hugging Dracula with a thirst for human blood.
“A tame squirrel is a loose-cannon sometimes,” Johnson said.
When in Vermont, walk softly and keep an eye to the sky.
and that is crazy.™