You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
90 percent of all paper money in the United States has traces of cocaine.
On the surface that just seems crazy.
Your momma always told you money was dirty? Now you know momma was right. But 90 percent? That’s 9 out of every 10 bills? I mean I can see this figure being accurate inside Studio 54 in 1978, where people were cutting blow on the bar with credit cards and snorting it up their nose, but 2009?
Who the hell is snorting cocaine? Old studio 54 guys with comb overs that’s who! So they account for like 10-percent of the tainted money. Who makes up the other 80 percent? Guys in the NBA? People designing the heat tiles on the space shuttle? Members of PETA? That still doesn’t add up to 90-percent of all paper money in the USA is cocaine tainted.
I thought crack was the inner city drug of choice. And my friends at the DEA tell me that every redneck who misses a trailer payment and has a pit bull chained up to the front stoop is probably getting high on meth. You don’t read about Meth tainted dollar bills.
I can see 90-percent of the bills being contaminated with fecal matter in a society that values expediency over cleanliness. That number rises to 99-percent when you test the billfolds of Kindergartners.
Cocaine on your money! How can this be? And why is anyone even wasting time investigating such nonsense?
The researcher who authored this “gee whiz News Bulletin” is none other than Yuegang Zuo, a professor of chemistry and biochemistry at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.
Not familiar with Zuo’s works?
Zuo also studied how a cat yawn in Montana could create a tsunami in the Far East.
According to Zuo, the amount of cocaine found on bills is not enough to cause health risks.
Whew that is good to know, because if I ever had more than 2 dollars in my pocket, I would hate to think that I was going to fail my next drug test.
It’s like sneezing into your hand and wiping that in your neighbor’s hair. And then he wipes it off on his dog, and the dog licks his paw and then bites the mailman who delivers you a Victoria Secrets brochure. Get the idea?
According to researchers, some of the bills have .006 micrograms of cocaine, which is thousands of times smaller than a single grain of sand.
A thousand times smaller than a single grain of sand? And you all know what a pain in the ass a single grain of sand can be. I mean, what if a grain of sand should get on your cornea, and you wipe your eye suddenly, forgetting that you have a power tool in your hand and then you sever your own head.
The coroner’s cause of death: granule of sand.
Makes perfect sense in a world where people waste so much money and so much time on the most ridiculous things. I swear, sometimes I feel like cutting my hair off with a steak knife.
I want to go on the evening news with a checkered board pattern of hair and be interviewed by the ghost of Walter Cronkite.
“Sir, why does your hair resemble a checker board?,” the sagacious dead newsman will ask.
“Because Mr. Cronkite. My money is tainted with cocaine residue so small, it makes a grain of sand look like Stonehenge. My hard earned, cocaine tainted, tax payer money is funding feckless studies like this one and I had to do something equally as insane to make my point.”
“Would you say that life is Crazy Mr. Citizen?”
If you are still reading this insidious post, then I thank you and will reward you with more nuggets from the stupidest study ever commissioned by an American institution of higher learning.
So which cities snort the most cocaine? or at least have the most coke-dollars?
All the paper money tested in Detroit, Michigan; Boston, Massachusetts; Orlando, Florida; Miami, Florida; Los Angeles, tested positive for cocaine. We’re talking 100-percent of the money tested had cocaine.
That means as many bills tested positive for cocaine as tested positive for money. That is startling and makes me wonder what a Friday night in these cities is like.
Other cities that like to party: Toronto, Canada which has an 88-percent powder potential.
The other 12 percent is moose sperm. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
How bout over seas Dr. Zuo?
Brazil should be off the charts right? legend has it, this is where the coca bean is rubbed on a woman’s pregnant stomach to entice a sperm and egg to unite. Well the study indicates that roughly 75 percent of paper money in Brazil is cocaine corrupted. I bet the figure rises to 90-percent during Carnivale.
And in Zhuzhou, China, the percentage of the population willing to hold flowers and block the path of a tank is higher than the incidents of cocaine tainted money. In case your wondering, China has ordered the study to reflect 0.0% so that is officially what we will report for fear of being exiled, killed or thrown in prison.
I hardly have a Dartmouth degree. Christ, I barely have a synaptic pulse. But I was wondering; if money tests positive for cocaine, what else does it test positive for.
Would you find traces of Hot Sauce in Memphis?
How bout Guacamole in San Antonio?
Sun tan lotion in North Dakota. (to keep all those pasty white people from burning)
God forbid what you could turn up on a 20 dollar bill in San Francisco!
The report says Cocaine binds to the green dye in money.
In case your wondering, Dr. Zao has commissioned a new study; to see how much green dye shows up on an invisible speck of cocaine.
Here at That’s Crazy, we’re following these developments and we’ll keep you posted.