Farve Headache

You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.

Brette Farve is crazy. He’s a great quarterback, but I’m starting to think he is mostly crazy.

Retired. Unretired. Retired. Make up your mind dude.

This guy is like tourette syndrome. He’s as predictable as a roulette wheel. He’s as consistent as a dead beat dad. He’s as steady as a rip tide.

I swear I heard him retire a few weeks ago. It was major news on ESPN.

“The Brette Farve saga is over”, the sportscaster announced.

They were lauding him as one of the greatest of all time. He had the arm of Zeus, and the heart of a warrior. They are right.

Farve played the game at its highest level, but he always reminded me of a school kid on a playground drawing up the formation in the dirt. He took his chin strap off between every snap. No other quarterback takes his chin strap off before every play. Why does he do it? Is it a mechanism, like pumping a shot gun?

He was described as a gunslinger and a prankster. He was the ultimate stud in a game of controlled violence where everyone is a stud.

He has played more games consecutively than any man who has ever shoved his hands under another man’s scrotum. He is the Lou Gehrig of the toughest game on Earth playing the hardest position there is.

I love Brett Farve. My son has a man crush on the guy. But at some point you have to S**t or get off the pot, farm boy.

You have to stand up and tell the world that you had your run and it’s over. If you retire, then say it loud and say it proud and freaking retire.

Are you gargling with Old Granddad? Do you have dementia. Is it ground hog day in Brett Farve-land? Maybe he doesn’t remember what he does day to day.

A couple of weeks ago, I swear he retired. This time for good.

Then all of a sudden, he’s wearing a purple helmet. All of a sudden he’s a Viking and he’s telling the world that his doctor told him to go for it, and his 10 year old daughter told him he should win one more superbowl. Yeah right? Can you say orchestrated P.R.?

So that’s it, now he’s a Minnesota Viking. The world just has to say OK, I guess Brett Farve is a Viking.

You know who hates that? John David Booty, that’s who.

Most of you don’t have a clue who he is? John David Booty is a former USC Trojan who was probably number three on the Viking’s QB depth chart. Most teams don’t keep four QB’s so he is probably expendable.

You know what’s crazy about that? Brett Farve has and always will be number 4. That was John David Booty’s number. Between the time Farve decided to become a Purple People Eater and the time he showed up on the podium and held up a 4-jersey with the name Farve on the back, somebody had to tell Booty he was no longer number 4.

How do you think that conversation went:

“Booty! Get your ass in here.”

“Yes sir,” Booty says as he rushes to the coaches office.

“Gimme your jersey”

“Sir?”

“You heard me boy. Strip down. Give us your jersey.”

With a blank stare, Booty pulls the number four over his shoulders and the coach kicks him in his lilly white ass.

“Go see Smitty and get yourself a new number Booty.”

Someone tosses number 58 at him. It’s a linebacker’s number. Booty looks at number 58 with a questioning stare.

The equipment man laughs, knowing that Booty is soon to be bagging groceries at SafeWay.

Thanks Brett Farve. Welcome back.

Brett Farve’s inability to make a decision is not so unique.

Doctors and Scientists are the same way.

I was reading a report recently about Coffee. Is it good? Is it bad? Who the hell knows. Why don’t you ask Freakin Brett Farve.

Want a mocha grande Brett?

I found this passage on CNN recently:

As medical writers, we are used to penning an article one week that says oat bran prevents colon cancer and the next week that it does nothing of the kind.

and there you have it. Oat bran prevents cancer. OOOPs, Oat bran doesn’t prevent cancer.

Thanks Dr. Farve.

Wait a few weeks and Good Morning America will undoubtedly report some Medical Association’s study on something.

Like a Brett Farve un-retirement press conference, Scientists will scream BLACK, and a few weeks later, they will report they really meant that it is WHITE.

ABSURD!

I found a study in the Journal of Headache Pain where they surveyed 50,483 Norwegians about their caffeine consumption and headache frequency. First of all, I can’t even imagine finding 50,000 Norwegians, unless you happen to be at an Arctic ice fishing tournament, but I digress. The scientists found that those who consumed higher amounts of caffeine reported a greater number of occasional headaches than those who consumed lower amounts of caffeine. But (“for no obvious reason,” the scientists said) those who consumed less caffeine suffered more chronic headaches (headaches for 14 or more days every month).

Huh?

Did Brett Farve orchestrate this study? He is Norwegian right? Wasn’t his grandpappy named Sven Farve? Ah, now I know why he signed with the Vikings?

So if you get headaches from drinking coffee, maybe your really getting a headache because Brett Farve can’t decide whether to retire or not?

Button up that chin strap Brett Farve because I think it is going to be a season of caffeinated lineman looking to take that number four and shove it up your John David Booty!

Farve Headache

Leave a Reply Cancel reply