You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Driving across America in the back of a cab.
Torn seats. Bullet proof glass. Gum stuck on the inside of the door.
I’d rather get in a cardboard box and let hobos roll me down the stairs. I’d rather eat glass with an absessed tooth. I’d rather comb my hair with salami and walk through a wolf den.
DATELINE: NEW YORK
It’s here that a couple of morons are paying cabbie Mohammed Alam $5,000 to drive them from the Big Apple to the City of Angels.
If somebody isn’t stabbed in the back of that cab by the time they reach Sin City, I’ll be shocked.
In a travel world where going first class and getting their non-stop is paramount, I bring you the story of three men and a cab.
Why bother and how can this be a good thing fill my brain.
Three men and a cab travel 3,000 miles across the country. It seems like the butt end of a bad joke; how many idiots does it take to drive a cab to L.A.? Apparently 3.
Oh the insanity! Oh the Expense!
3,000 miles of staring at Mohammed Alam’s taxi commission mug shot from hell. 3,000 miles of taxi stink. 3,000 miles of tire noise. By Oklahoma City I’d want to kill something.
Mile after mile after mile of the taxi meter spinning like the national debt clock in Times Square. It would be like Chinese Water torture.
DRIP DROP DRIP DROP.
Did someone fart or is that just the smell of a fare from Tuesday leaking out of the seat cushion?
The passengers are investment banker John Belitsky, of Leonia, N.J. and his birthday buddy Dan Wuebben of Queens.
Belitsky and Wuebben. It sounds like a law firm that chases ambulances. It sounds like a Starsky and Hutch spin off where two cousins fight crime when they aren’t tossing pizza pies and throwing flour at one another in Joey’s Italian Restaurant.
Hilarious HiJinx TV guide says.
Belitsky said they wanted to do something “magical” for Wuebben’s birthday. And what did they come up with? A cab ride to California. Apparently still under the influence of cocaine and hard grain alcohol, they ran into Alam at LaGuardia Airport and brokered the deal.
Magical?
A penthouse suite at the Encore in Vegas with show girls teaching you to play Keno, that’s magical.
A lier Jet ride to the Bahamas to play steel drums with Jimmy Buffet, that’s magical.
Target shooting water skiing squirels at Sea World while Shamu tears the arms and legs off the Rockettes? What says happy birthday magic like that?
So these New York idiots get in the back of a stinky ass Yellow cab and go all Thelma and Louise.
If it was me in the back of that cab, I exit the Holland Tunnell and I’m done. I’d look at that bearded mug shot hanging on the dash board and say, Yo Mohammed how much do I owe you for the trip to Beyonne, New Jersey?
Can you imagine peering through the one inch thick plexi glass to get a good look at the Grand Canyon? Mount Rushmore. The Arch.
Magic?
Is that Old Faithful or a blood stain on the glass?
Can you imagine that one coiled spring poking your sphincter all the way through Kansas?
How the hell you gonna enjoy the world’s largest rabbit exhibit on Route 66 with that spring poking you and the meter clicking endlessly. $3,850.10. $3,850.20. $3,850.30.
Someone shoot me in the head.
According to the report, the two friends haven’t decided how they’ll get back.
Here’s an idea: Rent rick shaws and pedal west on the Santa Monica peer and keep peddaling till you are shark bait.
As for the cab driver, he is moving to the valley where he hopes to star in an adult film entitled:
FAIR OF A LIFETIME. A raunchy soft porn epic that takes place in the back seat of a cab at various taco stands around L.A.
Go Figure
That’s just crazy.™