You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
Black Friday is crazy.
I still don’t understand the concept.
I mean how much am I am saving exactly?
And what is my time worth? What is my REM cycle worth? What is my patience being tested worth?
Is the one flat screen on sale at Target for 99 dollars worth rushing the doors like the running of the bulls? Is it worth checking an old woman into the glass like I’m a New York Ranger on the Power Play?
And after that one flat screen is gone, snatched up by the fat guy with no teeth and suspenders, what am I going to do, not buy the other flat screens at twice the price?
It’s a scam. It’s a sham. It’s a farce of national proportions.
I’m watching TV and every commercial tells me that I need to be in the store at 4am or else.
Or else what?
Or else I might get to sleep? I might get to enjoy the holiday? I won’t be angry that I paid too much for something I really didn’t want, but I bought anyway, because I was up at 4am so what else was I suppose to do?
K-Mart and Macy’s and Target. Screw em!
They are blowing up the airwaves with warnings of mass shopping hysteria so ferocious, so pernicious, so forcefully, you’d think that we were being invaded by North Korea.
Attention citizens digesting you dinner! We interrupt this program to inform you that America has been attacked by WalMart.
Hold on..
This just in: ToysRUs is having an After Thanksgiving Day sale so amazing, so shocking, so incredible, if you don’t take part, you will be considered the stupidest person on Earth.
And get this. The Door Buster extravaganza doesn’t even make you wait till after Thanksgiving. It actually begins at 10pm Thanksgiving night.
Isn’t that great. You can eat Turkey and pumpkin pie and stuffing and gravy and giblets and cranberries and deviled eggs and ham and celery and cupcakes and ginger bread and wash it all down with beer and liquor.
Then while you are close to a cardiac arrest and having trouble breathing, you can button your pants, fasten your coat, and push yourself behind the steering wheel of the car to go stand in line at Toys R Us.
I pray to God that the Rapunzel Let Down Your Hair gift set is still available.
Give me a break, PLEASE.
Save Save Save.
It’s a national hallucination.
Like they aren’t going to sell laptops after Black Friday.
I swear to Snow White and the 7 dwarfs that this Black Friday thing is a manufactured day of merchandising tom-foolery.
It was conjured up by 3 Macy’s Managers smoking dope in a back room dreaming of a way to save their jobs by getting people to part with their money.
So here’s my crazy advice. Forget the Black Friday. Don’t cater to the wishes of corporate America. Stay in bed and love the one your with.
Shop on Saturday and Sunday and even Tuesday. Treat Friday like the 7th day when God expects you to rest.
Don’t fall prey to the hypnosis hysteria, Shop wisely. Make sure you are awake and not wearing your house coat in the dark.
Personally, I think the best deal is Christmas Eve. Everything is priced to move.
So be safe K-Mart Shoppers. Don’t shop under the influence of Triptofan.
And that is crazy.