You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
A 19 pound newborn baby! That is crazy!
Some super mom from Indonesia birthed a cow-child on September 26th.
The baby named Muhammad Akbar Risuddin was delivered via Caesarean. Duh!
At 19 whopping pounds, the kid all ready weighs more than a tool box.
Can you imagine 19 pounds of fighting, crying, clawing kid ripping his way into the world, in the traditional manner? It would be like trying to squeeze a suitcase out of a toaster oven. That’s a tight fit jack!
Doctors try and explain the massive Michelline Man like baby as a genetic malfunction of a mother with diabetese.
I just say its evolution. People are bigger and stronger and faster than they use to be.
My grandfather, born in 1898, was 5’4″ tall. They called him stretch. Today they would rest beers on his head and call him altitudinally challenged.
Now a days; 5 and 6 pound babies are appetizers at the Sizzler salad bar. These munchkin babies get a couple of extra hours in the neo natal oxygen tent and prayer groups wish them well. If you ain’t 9 pounds now, you don’t stand a pork chop in a fire hall’s chance of making it.
Little Muhammad is just the genetic mutant sign of things to come. Look at football players. 290 pound men now run 5.2 in the 40. Bigger, Faster, Stronger. It’s like a real life edition of the 6 million dollar man. And he was mostly bionics, whatever the hell that is.
What scares me is the whole evolutionary scale is sliding into the ginormous zone. If babies are going to start weighing as much as Thanksgiving turkeys then what does that say for the size of the birth canal in future mothers. Unless every baby is going to be cut out of a woman’s womb like a predator, then traditional birthing exits will also have to expand. Now here’s my concern. If these areas expand, then you would think the male part of this equation would expand as well. Last time I checked on HBO real sex, that part of the human anatomy seems to be a ship that ran into the rocks. So if new millennium mom is going to continue to birth babies as big as throw pillows, and father’s manhood remains mostly a tiny constant, then I think, like the proverbial square peg in a round hole, Houston we got a problem!
If baby Muhmad is the new norm, then new millenium dad had better learn to keep up.
Now maybe I’m making too much of a baby the size of a rotissere grill. Maybe baby Muhamad is a genetic mutant who will one day find work in the circus. But then again, maybe he is just Darwinian principles pushing the boundaries of evolution before our very eyes.
FACT: Muhamad’s older brothers were not heavy enough to incur a baggage fee on SouthWest, but they weren’t exactly small. One child was 11.6 pounds at birth. The other baby, the runt of the litter, a skeleton like 9.9 pounds at birth.
After delivering these kids in the traditional way, I would venture to say, Muhamad’s mother has a drainage ditch for a birthing canal.
I don’t see how Muhamad’s dad can even be relevant at this point. Unless he is starring in adult films with a stage name like Johnny Wad Muhammad, then I think modern man is in big trouble.
I predict an anatomical revolution is upon us. A revolution where men are less desirable to women, than they all ready are, if that is possible. It’s a fuzzy future where women shop for love on line at Hustler.com or Harley Davidson.
The math is undeniable.
If A = B = C. with
A = Bigger babies.
B = bigger birthing genetalia for women.
C= men claiming shrinkage due to cold climate conditions.
Yeah I said it. Men are getting cheated on this evolutionary growth chart. Been to the YMCA lately. It’s the same old same old swinging sack of grapes on the vine. I don’t think there’s enough pills, potions or lotions in the world to balance this equation.
I’m no doctor, nor am I a mathematecian, I’m just saying. Bigger babies may be good for the NFL, but when it comes to the bedroom, don’t be surprised when you find your wife has renewed her subscription to Jack Hammer Illustrated.
Little Muhamad is a live and well. His mother is horribly disfigured for ever and all men are wondering where on the evolutionary food chain they belong.
And that my friends is Crazy.