You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Using your ass as a storage facility.
Dateline: SARASOTA, Fla.
It’s not unusual for a cavity search at jail to turn up contraband, but wait till you read the manifest that jailers plucked out of one inmate’s buttocks.
According to published reports, jailers pulled a condom out of the man and in it they reportedly found: 17 blue pills, a cigarette, a flint, six matches, an empty syringe with a pencil eraser over the needle tip, a container of lip balm, an unused condom, a pharmacy receipt and a coupon.
30 items stashed in one man’s butt. Not nearly the Guinness Book of World Records for ass stashing, but pretty damn impressive, wouldn’t you say?
I’ve heard about inmates smuggling rocks of crack cocaine into jail for Copa Cabana Night in the Block. I’ve heard about a cell phone being “smuggled” inside. Wonder how many bars you get inside an ass crack?
But 30 items “Where the sun don’t shine?”
My goodness gracious! It’s like the moon landing of ass concealment!
Thirty-three year old Neil Lansing is now facing charges of possessing a drug and a tobacco product in jail. He’s being held without bond.
Neil Lansing, you are the Houdini of contraband.
What were the blue pills? Viagra? What did you plan to do with those? Aren’t you all ready a little busy with the care package you have shoved up your ass?
A cigarette? Really? I bet that is going to be one memorable smoke. Can’t ya just imagine wrapping your lips around that smoke stick and taking a deep relaxing drag on tobacco flavored ass.
A flint? Do you really need to make fire? Are you trying to win survivor?
Six matches. OK, to light your ass smokes, I get that.
But what’s up with the empty syringe. It’s empty? It’s not like your ass is a sharps container, or is it?
A stick of lip balm. Now that could prove useful where you are going, especially if you hand out your blue pills to your buddies in Cell block six.
The unused condom? Something tells me that safe sex is not high on your list, perhaps right behind “i wonder if this needle will fit inside my ass?”
A pharmacy receipt? Really? For what? Maybe to get your money back on that lip balm that tastes like ass.
And finally a coupon? You are saving a coupon inside your rectum. What is it you hope to buy? 25 cents off Lays Potato Chips?
In the future dude, I say get yourself a man-purse. It’s a little effeminate, but at least it won’t cause jailers to blush the next time you get busted.
And that is crazy!