You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Learning your going deaf from the internet.
I always thought I was the damn fountain of youth, the incubator of life.
Nope.
According to You Tube – I’m neither a fountain or incubator.
Apparently I’m just old.
You know how I know this?
You Freaking Tube.
A friend sent me a facebook link the other day. Thanks friend.
The link takes me to a You Tube video. It claims it can test my hearing with various frequencies.
oh, I have all the time in the world, I think to myself. Why don’t I just stop what I’m doing, ignore all this deadline pressure, and click on a silly You Tube video.
Mistake.
The video says I am about to take a hearing test on line.
What? No turn your head and cough, I think to myself.
I like that hands on approach when the internet is going to medically inspect me.
So the video begins and it plays a high pitched tone.
It sounds like nails across a chalk board.
It’s uncomfortable, but in this context, I’m pumping my chest.
“I got that one,” I silently strut.
The announcer interrupts my auditory euphoria.
“If you heard that one. Congratulations. you are alive.”
Douche Bag.
Then Mr. You Tube audiologist plays me a second tone.
It sounds like pigeons mating on a rooftop somewhere in Manhattan.
It’s feint, but I’m on it. I know a sound when I hear one.
I smile.
The video informs me that I have correctly identified a frequency in the 15,000 range, whatever the hell that means in You Tube world.
The test continues and suddenly I am my grandfather’s grandfather.
I might as well be that Billy Goat mountain man with the long white beard with a funnel stuck in his ear.
What???? What did you say?
I am watching visual silence.
I yawn thinking maybe there is an air pocket in my head, causing me to suddenly go radio silent.
The video plays on. It is talking about frequency’s that I suspect only dogs can hear.
I suddenly hate You Tube.
You Tube and it’s billion viewers a month doesn’t care. It keeps beating me down with this internet doctor visit.
Next up, a colorful graphic informing me the frequency and what age range normally hears this sound.
But I don’t hear it.
I am watching silence. I am in a Charlie Chan movie with no sound, movie theater organ to accompany my new found You Tube realization.
I sit here for about 30 seconds watching silence.
It’s excruciating. At least my eyes work.
Yeah, take that You Tube. At least my eyes work. Where’s your damn internet test for that?
The frequencies get higher and higher. Suddenly I wonder if I am watching an episode of a beautiful mind.
Just to make sure, I check my monitor to see if it has gone to sleep or my head set come undone.
Nope.
Apparently I’m just going deaf.
Congratulations the paprika voiced announcer suddenly spews in a frequency I can hear.
If you could hear all of the tones you are probably under 20 years of age.
He says something about hair inside my ear not regenerating.
I don’t like Mr. You Tube.
Not only did I not hear all of what he said, but because I am older, I immediately forgot what he said.
Thanks You Tube. I don’t need a hearing test to realize I’m not the guy I use to be.
I can look in the mirror in the morning and see that plain as day.
Funny how the time slips away isn’t it?
One day you’re in high school. The next day your picking your youngest up from high school.
How did I lose my damn hearing?
I think back to all the rock and roll blaring in my first car.
Louder was better, wasn’t it?
Was it the AC/DC concert at the sports arena where my head rang like the liberty bell for 2 days.
Was it the Indy Car races at Laguna Seca. My ears melted off the side of my face that weekend.
Could the couple having sex below me in my sophomore dorm have had something to do with my inability to hear high pitched sounds?
I sure know they kept the window open and the entire neighborhood entertained.
I heard that You Tube, didn’t I?
So I’m losing my hearing. So I can no longer hear the sounds that dogs hear.
Thanks for that email, friend.
I click off the dumb web site, thinking to myself, with age comes wisdom, right.
But it also comes with sore knees, and a stiff neck.
With age comes experience, right?
But it also comes with a desire to have dinner early and shoo kids off your lawn.
With age comes intelligence, right?
But it also comes with a need to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
So thanks You Tube. I appreciate the hearing test.
What’s next? Visual proctology?
Keep your mouse out of my…
Life’s Crazy™