You know your crazy when…™
You leave the toilet seat up hoping the dog will clean the bowl.
You are amused by a picture of a racoon with its head caught in a mason jar.
A woman is arrested for driving while shaving her pubic area and you question how this is not a good time efficiency strategy.
Your friend asks you about waxing your ass and you wonder if he’s high on furniture polish.
The police shoot a bank robber wearing a polar bear costume and you find yourself wishing animal rights activists would protest the inhumane killing of an endangered polar creature.
You walk out of the mall into a sea of cars and have no clue where your SUV is parked.
You hold your hand high above your head signifying you are a moron and press the panic button so your car will squawk at you.
You are embarassed when your SUV is honking and flashing wildly in Aisle D, everyone is staring at you, and you cannot stop the siren from blaring because the batteries in your key fob are dead.
You see a picture of Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein bathing each other in a bath tub in hell, and you giggle your ass off.
Your bar soap is a gooey mess in the soap dish and you scrape the remnants of what’s left into a soap ball to get one last cleansing.
You go to a crawfish boil and that prehistoric creature staring at your makes you think about Creationism vs Darwinism.
Your crawfish is so hideous, that you cannot eat it because it reminds you of a cock roach.
The crawfish on your plate forces you to eat celery and tapioca pudding and you know you would make a terrible Cajun.
You question whether NASCAR or Golf is less of a sport.
You burp and taste yesterday’s filet and it warms your thoughts of how good it was to have filet twice.
You’re the only man at the woman’s show, and you don’t even realize it.
When you won’t eat the tail off the chocolate bunny because it stirs deep child hood memories that you’d rather not talk about right now.
When you watch the endless rib platter, endless salad bar, endless catfish with whisker dinner buffett commercials and you think abut boycotting food or tv or both.
When your lady skills are so abhorrent you keep a live aligator in your apartment to impress women.
When you are surprised that “Osama is dead” t-shirts rake in more than a 100,000 dollars in 2 days on the streets of NYC.
When you can’t believe that it takes 60,000 pounds of mint to make mint Julieps at the Kentucky Derby.
When you are shocked that the names of vampires and werewolves from the “Twilight” series top list of most popular baby names.
When you wish your older divorced sister could date the most interesting man in the world, who says in his commercials: I don’t always drink beer but when I do I drink Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends!
When you waste an inordinant amount of time wondering how belly lint gathers so readilly in your belly button
When you wonder how anyone can care about baseball with 140 games still remaining in the season.
And that is Crazy.™