What’s your sign? How the hell should I know?

You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!

Someone suddenly telling you that your Zodiac sign is wrong.

This is like someone telling you that you’re adopted. It’s like someone telling you your puppy belongs to the neighbors and they are just letting you play with it.

It’s a shock to the system like cheap Mexican Tequila is to your pallet.

In this ever changing world in which we live in, you would think there are some constants, right?

Gravity is gravity. The sun always rises in the East. The Detroit Lions are always going to suck.

But life is not a straight line and there are some detours that pop up unexpectedly.

Milk is sometimes sour even when the expiration date tells you it’s fresh.
But surely you can count on the Earth to rotate the way it always has, right? Surely you can count on the stars in the sky to be where they have always been, right? I mean It worked for Columbus, right? Well actually Columbus was on his way to the Orient when he bumped into a little something called North America, but you know what I mean.

Surely your Zodiac sign doesn’t come with a sour constellation expiration date, or does it?

There’s new data out that blows up everything you thought was celestial and pure in the astrological heavens.

This new data is brought to you by the same people who tell you coffee is good for you one week and bad for you the next.

According to Fox News and the fortune teller down by the pier, Zodiac Signs are changing due to a the moon’s gravitational pull, which has made the Earth “wobble” around its axis in a process called precession resulting in a one-month bump in the stars’ alignment.

Though this is news to any man who uttered the phrase in the 80’s, “Hey what’s your sign?”, it is not new news to Mark Mazurkiewicz. He is the Planetarium Director who calmly said, the earth moves every 25,000 years and it’s a very very slow wobble, but enough to shift the sky.

Shift the sky? That happened to me once on Spring Break, but I thought it was the Keystone Beer that did that, not the gravitational force of the heavens on my home planet.

Mazurkiewicz did tell Fox News that the day you are born, the Earth is in a precise location in the sky. That location is assigned a Zodiac symbol and some believe that assigns character traits for a person.

So if the Earth is suddenly in a different part of the night sky on the day you were born, it might mean that you are no longer a Cancer or a Capricorn. This is unsettling news to many who believe that birth signs control your destiny and govern your day, like some sort of celestial fortune cookie that will guide you.

A Gallup poll indicates that a quarter of Americans believe the moon and the stars can affect a person’s life.

That means 3/4 of Americans believe that the Taco Bell dog has the power to make my digestive juices start gurgling every time he barks like a Chalupah.

The bottom line is this: This “drift” in the sun’s apparent position relative to the background stars and constellations has been known and understood by Astronomers and Astrologers since the Greek astronomer Hipparchus figured it out in 134 BC.

I’m glad Hipparchus figured it out because I am sure You and I are shocked by the new Zodiac alignment:

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 – 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan. 20

Personally, I use to be a Capricorn, now apparently I am a Sagittarius. I still feel like a prickly mountain goat of the stars. I still feel ownry and crazy. I don’t even like the sound of the constellation Sagittarius. What is that? It sounds like a fungus you get between your toes from walking on a beach groomed by BP Oil.
While some of us might not like the celestial wobble because our signs have shifted, others have disappeared all together.

There is a new sign called Opchiuchus. For a lucky few of you born right after Thanksgiving and almost to Christmas, this is your new sign. It’s a 13th sign. I think it’s the sign of the devil, but that’s just me talking out loud.

Opchiuchus? It sounds like some kind of fish dinner that Japanese people over pay to eat because it might kill you if prepared incorrectly. I never freaking understood that mentality.

Yes, I’ll have the Opchiuchus please. Prepare it medium rare without the poision talons. How would you like to be Opchiuchus? the 13th sign of the Japanese Devil Fish.

Astronomers who pay attention to the Earth’s tilt are tilting themselves like a pin ball machine in a biker bar.

Sometimes its best to leave well enough alone.

If the milk is expired, spit it out. If the puppy is not yours, give it back. If you are adopted, well, then that’s something you might want to know.

But the zodiac sign is as life altering as a Hallmark card on Valentines day. Sure it makes you feel good, but after you read all the gobbledy gook inscribed in it, you realize, the card was written by someone else you don’t even know. The card was made up by some guy smoking an unfiltered cigarette in a dark room with a big belly and a lot of ungroomed chest hair.

How much can it really mean?

Since the Earth has been wobbling for 25,000 years, I wouldn’t say this is breaking news. I would say if you were born a Capricorn then you are still a Capricorn.

And if you are the newest zodiac sign Opchiuchus, that’s not so bad. It’s like adding a 12th herb or Spice to KFC’s famous recipe. Unless it’s dirt, you probably won’t even notice that your bucket of wings still tastes fantastic.

So if you are in the zodiac wasteland of Opchiuchus, then go with it, let it be your new celestial beacon.