You know what’s Crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy. An ugly contest of any kind, especially for dogs.
DATELINE: PETALUMA, CA.
Back then the World’s Ugliest Dog was just a puppy. Makes you wonder if Mr. Egstad was puppy shopping with the intent of finding an ugly world class champion.
The article says it was an upset victory and Pabst takes home $1,600 dollars in prize money.
$1,600 dollars for being UGLY?
DAMN!
If that’s the going rate for Ugly dogs, my buddy’s H.S. prom date should have been showered with cash.
$1,600 dollars! I am flabbergasted. What is the world’s ugliest dog to do with that kind of cash? Well how about buying a diamond tipped file and grind down those walrus tusks for starters.
The article indicates that Pabst wins pet supplies and a modeling contract with an agency called House of Dog.
H0use of Dog? This must be the agency that employs Kirsty Alley in those weight loss ads.
I’m glad for Pabst and his ascension to the throne of ugly. But honestly, I’ve seen uglier dogs roaming alleys in Nashville.
I saw a dog that I simply call skunk-head.
It is unclear if it was male or female.
Skunk-head was so ugly, I don’t think it even had genitalia. Though for the sake of writing this story, I am going to assume he was a male.
When Skunk-head urinated, he sort of squatted and lifted a leg at the same time. A greenish ink filtered out, like souring milk. There was a sad hissing sound like air leaving a tire.
Skunk-head had a nose that seemed to protrude from under his right eye. I don’t know how his nose got there, but there it was all the same. It was like a carrot stick shoved into a melting snow man.
There was something that looked like a lamb chop sticking out of skunk-head’s forehead. It was loose skin or a chunk of brain matter. It was hard to look out, but also so insidious, I couldn’t look away.
In the stagnating heat of the summer sun, I could see cockroaches scurrying around on the piece of lamb chop skin. The bugs were gnawing away at the rancid hunk of meat. Poor Skunk Head. Damn dog needed the Orkin guy to spray some DDT on the critters.
Skunk-head had a scar that ran down the side of his head. The scar was raw and oozing. It was so heinous it would make Frankenstein look away.
“You oughtta have that thing looked at,” Frankenstein could be over heard mumbling to the little alley dog.
Thanks Frankenstein, I’ll get right on that, the dog winked sarcastically with an eye so blue, so opaque, it looked like a piece of sea glass.
Skunk Head looked more like an alley pirate than a dog. He needed an eye patch and a parrot to ride on his back.
“Shiver me timbers,” the parrot could squawk as it pecked maggots out of the dog’s festering fur.
I don’t know what the hell happened to Skunk Head but he seemed more like the missing link of rotting flesh than a dog.
I can only hazard a guess how this happened, but I bet a human being is to blame. Someone beat skunk-head with a meat cleaver. Someone threw acid on Skunk Head. Someone ran Skunk Head over in a car. Either way, the bastards left poor Skunk Head for dead. What the hell did Skunk Head do to them?
I mean this dog is so repulsive, birds refused to chirp around him.
I wish I knew who did this to Skunk Head so I could make him lay down in the alley and lick the bottom of the dumpster leaking liquid filth.
I also wish I knew about the Petaluma event.
First of all, I could use $1,600 dollars. Skunk Head would have won in a landslide. Ugly? Skunk Head is the personification of ugly. He is a creepy cess pool of ugly. Look up Ugly in the dictionary and there’s a warning: Due to Ugly so ugly it will cause boils to fester on your eyes, we refuse to post the picture of Skunk Head.
Now that is ugly!
Damn, Skunk Head would have won the ugliest dog contest just getting off the plane. Once the luggage handlers in Petaluma got a look of that flopping hunk of lamb chop growing out of his eye, and that pirate patch covering that glassy eyeball and that evil parrot squawking; “Ugliest Dog in the house, Ayyyy!” Well, you’d see some Petaluma luggage handlers blowing chow right on the tarmac.
Skunk Head was a four legged case of psoriasis, skin legions and general disgustingness. I am not sure the judges would even allow him to enter. It’s like letting Barry Bonds eat HGH in pregame warm ups and then take the field. It’s almost not fair.
All I can say is, Pabst Blue Ribbon, the vampire faced champion of Ugly is lucky Skunk Head didn’t show up.
He would have made judges sick, the audience nauseated, and taken first place in the ugly contest version of a walk off homer.
Long live Skunk Head!