Twitter Sucks

You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™

Twitter.

All I hear about is so and so tweeted this and so and so tweeted that! This celebrity has 9 million followers. Yipee Kay Aye Mother F***er!

Twitter and the media make you think that Twitter invented freedom of speech in a new millenium age.

You can supposedly say whatever you want within reason at the speed of light.

Well apparently that is untrue.

My account was recently suspended.

So much for instantaneous freedom of speech right.

I was trying to maximize my interaction by directly communicating with celebrities who have an amazing numbers of followers.

I wasn’t being rude or aggressive or pornographic or threatening.

I was talking to people like Charlie Sheen and Snoop Dog and Brittany Spears. Real salt of the Earth humans right?

Well all of a sudden, my account comes up inactive, stating that my Twitter has been suspended.

What?

Baby Killers and child molesters roam the Earth with impunity and I am sanctioned by the internet police?

I read the Twitter rules and apparently I am not allowed to direct message people in a way that would appear to be spam.

Really? Snoop Dog has 9 million followers. Is he really gonna care that I commented on his tweet about FIFA soccer? I think I said if I had legs I would play soccer too. Does it make sense? no. Who cares.

Apparently the blue bird bastards do.

It’s a farce. I had to write Twitter a note apologizing. I had to say, I didn’t realize I had violated the constitution according to Twitter.

Dear Twitter.

I am not a terrorist or a child molestor or a fornicator of farm animals.

Get real!

I am not really sure if they are reviewing my appeal or not. I feel like the Bin Laden of 137 characters or less.

I guess if I simply wrote I’m baking a lasagna, or I’m flatulent or my hemroids hurt or my eyes are very blue tonight, I would be ok in the eyes of the Twitter imperial grand wizard.

But I said funny stuff, at least to me, and I got black balled.

It’s like a new millennium version of McCarthyism.

Oh please great Twitter God. Please let me talk to nobody in your specialized universe.

You are the cool kid and I want so desperately be your friend.

NOT.

So for now Twitter. All I can say is F off!

Did I say that concisely enough? Did I use too many characters?

I don’t need you. You are like a puss filled blister that needs to be popped.

I care about you like I care about lost paper clips.

Keep my account suspended. It’s a badge of honor. How many American citizens who pay taxes and don’t hurt cats get their Twitter accounts suspended.

I am somebody.

Protect Brittany Spears. She is a delicate flower. Snoop Dogg is a bastion of literary greatness.