You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
The preponderance of tattoos in this country. On butts, and backs and cheeks and forearms. If there is skin, you can almost count on seeing some ink.
And the only place you’ll see more ink than a prison shower in on the floor of an NBA basketball game.
This past Sunday afternoon I’m watching the NBA game of the week:
Miami V Boston.
Garnett V James.
South Beach V Harvard Yard.
Tattoo You!
But what I notice most is all tattoos all the time.
Every inch of skin is covered with something that looks like an ink well disaster.
Lebron James is at the foul line, he looks like a one man tattoo parlor.
James is sporting thick black tats on arms sculpted by the basketball Gods. But the ink looks like it came out of an Easter egg dye kit.
Black tattoos on black men is not exactly a good look. It’s OK if you are doing it yourself in prison with a sharpie, but when you are one of the highest paid athletes in the world; can’t you do better?
I am staring at Lebron James’ arms and I need a black light to see what he’s selling.
“Can someone get Mr. James an irradiated colonic so his ink will glow. ”
Since few NBA players come with a purple light, the tats look bad. They look like a smudge, an ink blot, that could be used by a psychologist.
“What do I see Doc? I see a headless horseman on a sea of dog biscuits. Is that a problem?”
These NBA tats look like birth marks made of sludge colored silly putty. They start on a player’s neck and continue down their arms and onto their chests.
And it’s not just the NBA. It’s the NFL, where huge biceps emerge from jerseys sporting tattoos so thick so dark it looks like crab grass growing skin.
Sadly I see almost as many tattoos in college sports. Why not. If it’s good enough for Lebron it’s got to be good enough for an impressionable 18 year old, right?
And it’s not just men, it’s women. Nothing says “lady like” like a prison tat on your neck.
Way to bring it WNBA.
I’m getting me a Lady Ga Ga tat for my ass!
I mean just how many tattoos can one arm, one butt cheek, one ankle support?
I see Chinese characters and pictures of Mao Se Tung. There are biblical passages and misspelled words. Mom. Super man. Island Warrior imagery.
Enough all ready.
Some guys have tattoos on their tattoos. Slashes and squiggles and marks and lines. It looks like they have the Ebola Virus pussing out of their pores.
A woman with a rose on her ankle is cool.
A woman with a Harley symbol across her ever expanding ass, not so cool.
Then there’s the king of the ring. How drunk do you have to be to transform your face into a crime scene?
To all you NBA guys; chill on the tats. To all you girls with the tramp stamps; ink is permanent, wear a body condom. To all you Mike Tyson’s out there, nobody likes a Tahitian War Dance on your eye brows.