You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Pre-mature fireworks eruptions.
In the Viagra moment of the Independence Holiday, San Diego California wins the prize for biggest, quickest, most inappropriate spectacle of explosive failure.
Was it epic in its totality? From a fireworks standpoint, pretty much.
It was the mother of all premature celebrations.
It was the fire works equivalent of Thelma and Louise driving off the cliff.
How bad was San Diego’s 2012 fireworks display?
It was a tornado blowing through an Easter egg hunt full of nuns.
I don’t even know what that means, but it makes me laugh.
Imagine gathering your family, your pic nic baskets, your cooler full of adult beverages.
Imagine herding your kids into the SUV and braving traffic and finding that perfect parking spot down town.
You’ve listened to the music and braved a thousand “when are the fireworks going to start daddy?” questions from your kids.
Finally, after a barrage of inconveniences and not nearly enough beers, the sun goes down, the night comes up, and the moment of truth is before you.
Suddenly, the angst turns to anticipation and excitement. Your eyes scan the horizon looking for any sign of the 4th of July to begin.
And then a spark ignites the S.D. sky. Then another and another. Soon it is world war three.
Night time turns into a phosphorescent sheen as the bay explodes with lights and color and swirling awe.
The first 15 seconds of the SD fireworks show are awesome, perhaps the greatest in the history of a non battlefield display.
But soon – San Diego we have a problem.
The problem? The 4th of July gala only lasts 15 seconds. 15 seconds. An old guy in the front row had a coughing fit that lasted longer.
A teenagers first sexual experience lasts longer than that.
So you are looking around wondering if you had a seizure. Did you somehow sleep walk through the entire 19 minute production of America the Beautiful?
The answer is no. You didn’t do anything wrong except put your faith in your port authority to deliver a show that would curl your toes.
To put it bluntly, the city shot its load prematurely. That’s right, I said it.
Pre-mature fire work celebration. It’s a rare disorder that some cities get when they are stressed about performing in the big moment.
Doctors can treat this disorder, but the side effects could cause the cities to have dizziness and extreme cases of diarrhea.
The city calls it a technical malfunction that caused the entire 20 minute choreographed fireworks display to blow its top in 15 seconds.
Can you imagine? All fireworks exploding at one time. It looked like something out of Desert Storm.
One camera captures the incident from a roof top over looking the bay. The camera is set up and the driving beat of Queen’s we will rock you can be heard playing in the apartment.
Suddenly the sky is alive with the ferocious pageantry of Independence Day.
Whiz. Bang. Bam.
Then darkness.
It’s apparently over.
The camera begins panning the city’s horizon. There is smoke and the occassional blinking light of a cell tower in the distance, but the fourth of july in one of America’s greatest cities is over.
Within a moment, someone turns down Queen in the apartment and the Star Spangled Banner can be heard drifing over the bay. There is confusion as the camera pans the horizon looking for a fireworks show that was promised and just a moment ago was bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s ego.
Now it is silent. The fireworks have retreated into the night, much like the Red Coats more than 200 years ago.
The camera continues to pan the horizon. There are whispers of where is it? But there is nothing. The fireworks have vanished like a gumba in the witness protection program.
And so it goes.
People leave the bay with a confused look on their collective sun burned faces.
Your kids, tired and grumpy won’t stop asking you “daddy, why didn’t the fireworks work?”
And you have no answer for them, because the official statement does’t come out till midnight long after you have the little ones tucked into bed.
The Port of SD said “all the fireworks exploded. technicians sent a signal to the barges that would set the timeing for the rest of the show after the introduction. Previous testing signals worked flawlessly.”
Half a milion spectators left disappointed. Many couples know the feeling of a super quick bang and not much else.
“It happens to every city” they tell themselves sadly.
At least the question your kids asked you a dozen times was answered, “daddy what if they all blow up at once?”
Now you know. It felt great for some of you for a moment. And then everyone left the area a little less than satisfied.
And that is crazy.™