1) “Zander, please stop hitting your sister in the face with that fishing pole. And while you’re at it, stop fishing in the living room. The sofa is not a pier! The rug is not a lake. This is our home, not some recreational fly fisherman’s camp!”
2) “Could you two please stop tattling on one another. I’m not running a witness relocation program here. I don’t care who is doing what to whom. Work it out for yourselves.”
3) “You kids are so damned loud. Please stop yelling. You’re sucking all the oxygen out of the room, and without oxygen, daddy will die!”
4) Kenzie was clutching a picture of me and Zander, taken at the beach, years before Kenzie was even born. She kept looking for herself in the photo, and became more distraught by the minute when she couldn’t find herself anywhere in the background. Here’s the rest of that conversation once I figured out what the problem was: “Kenzie, I realize you like the beach picture, but that photograph ofdaddy and Alexander was taken before you were born. I’m sorry we can’ttake it to the store and have the man put you in the picture with us.”
5) “Zander if you have to throw up, can you at least do it before or after you go poop. Not during! It’s hard enough cleaning up all the vomit without your pants down around your ankles and a toilet full of poop.”
6) “Kenzie, I don’t care if your hair looks like a bird’s nest, don’t openthe door at 6:30 in the morning and start yelling at the birds to stayoff your head. The neighbors will think we’re beating you.”
7) “Kenzie please don’t take off your own poopy diaper and drag it aroundthe house. Please!!”
8) “I swear to both of you, if you don’t start behaving, there won’t be achild in this house who likes me by the time I’m done raising you!”
9) “Kenzie, I understand poo poo is powerful and sneaky, but please usethe bathroom more quickly when you feel it coming. Don’t wait and let it sneak up on you, ok?”
10) “Zander how many times must I tell you not to poke Kenzie in the face with the scissors please!”
11) “Kenzie, little girls should not use such language, and no you can’tkill the other kids for fun.”
12) “Look I just read you each a story, now go to bed. And no, I will notshake my booty anymore!”
13) “Daddy, I want to be fat just like you.”
14) “Kenzie your butt is microscopically small. you don’t need six feet oftoilet tissue to wipe yourself! And if you ever try to flush an entire roll oftoilet paper again, I’ll send you to timeout for the rest of your life!”
15) “Daddy what’s a skirt?”
“It’s like a dress, but a little shorter.””oh, can you dance in it? I like to dance.
16) “Isn’t there something you could both be watching on the Cartoon Channel. I can’t believe we have seventy five channels and you can’t find a single cartoon to watch.”
17) Zander has this bizarre habit of sticking his tongue out at people, at seemingly all the wrong moments. With that said: “Hey lizard boy, please keep your tongue in your mouth. This is not the reptile house at the zoo.”
18) “Kenzie I will not carry you up the stairs. your legs work and your abig girl now.”More pearls of wisdom to come…….
If you have children, then here are some things you may have caught yourself saying over the years. If you don’t have children, never fear, you will undoubtedly utter these phrases, or something very much like them sooner or later.