You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™

Thieves stealing 42,000 pounds of condiments.

Can you imagine? 42,000 pounds? Ketchup and Mustard MIA!

How much is 42,000 pounds of hot dog fixings? What would that even look like?

Would it fill a swimming pool like some kind of spicy hot mustardy quick sand? Would it swamp your living room like a fish tank full of red viscous goo?

And who steals condiments? Gremlins? Cast members from the Biggest Loser?

No old school thief steals items found at a Dodger stadium hot dog station?

Is this the new millennium thief? Is there no honor – dare I say – among thieves?

Remember when bandits stole cars and lawn jockeys and jewelry?

Now times are so bad, dirt bags are stealing copper wire out of my cable TV – they are ripping my exhaust pipe off my car for the copper and sadly they have gone subterrenean, into the slime of crime by stealing tomato products.

Ketchup? Really?

DATELINE: STOCKERAU, Austria

It’s here that Austrian police say thieves have made off with a 42,000 pounds of mustard and ketchup.

What the hell are you going to do with 21 tons of hamburger fixings?

That’s more than they use on an NFL weekend? That’s more than is consumed at all the McDonalds in greater Watts on a non riot weekend. You could build a lickable house with 21 tons of ketchup and mustard.

Austrian Cops (like they know anything) say the loot was in a semitrailer parked in a lot over the weekend northwest of Vienna.

According to published reports; police say the truck driver showed up Monday to deliver his cargo only to see the trailer missing.

HMMM? Can you suspicious? Always suspect the obvious.

Police assume the thieves were more interested in the trailer than its contents.
That’s an interesting premise, but I pose another theorem my dear WATSON:

I’d put out an APB right now for the Hamburglar. That little scarecrow is creepy and I bet he’d “mainline” a package of Heinz in a back alley in a heartbeat.

You want suspects? I’d question that Wendy’s girl. She’s totally suspect with all that red hair – push up boobs and that fake smile.

Guilty? how about the Burger King? That creep-a-zoid is the most corrupt pitchman in America.

He’s a shifty eyed child molester who is hawking burgers to a sedentary and overweight public. The king is a neerdowell who thrives on crime and anarchy. The entire campaign centers around debauchery and unsavory behavior.
I’d arrest the king, throw him down in the street like Rodney King and violate his damn rights. I would authorize an L.A.P.D. cavity search and question him long and hard.

Even if he is innocent, The Burger King is guilty of some damn thing.

As a detective you have to think; who has the most to gain.

How about the owner of the new fast food franchise in the Vienna area. Not buying 42,000 pounds of mustard and ketchup has got to add up.

How about ruling out suspects. It’s certainly nobody affiliated with Jenny Craig, or someone who hates small hermetically sealed condiment containers.

When in doubt, you could blame Rosie O’Donnell. She’ll eat anything.

According to published reports; authorities had no price tag for the stolen
condiments but said the trailer was worth about $22,000.

And what’s 42,000 pounds of missing mustard and ketchup worth to you?

The world may never know.

And that is crazy!™.™