The Oscar Red Carpet show.
The stars. The Hoopla. The overwhelming gag reflex when someone asks; “Who are you wearing?”
I’m watching the Pre-Oscars from Los Angeles and it’s sort of an excessive excess. It is chocolate sprinkles on chocolate pudding with a dash of chocolate sauce.
It’s so sweet it is sick.
I’m watching the Red Carpet ceremony like so many of you and it is a non stop assault of limos arriving and adoring fans adoring. It’s bright lights and gowns that plunge into a haven of cleavage. It’s slits that rise up a woman’s thigh, teasing the eye like a a lollipop teases a fat kid on insulin.
The 84th Academy Awards is a neutron bomb of paparazzi. It is chum in the water for a tv audience of sharks needing to devour glitz and glamor.
Flash bulbs are exploding and the crowd is a non stop excedrin headache.
Robin Roberts is hosting and she is her usual effervescent self.
Who are you wearing? she will say more than 2 dozen times in one hour.
Vera Wang, Viola Davis says.
“Oh the one and only,” Roberts says.
Vera Wang?
Is that a fried chicken joint in Queens?
Thanfully, this is not my specialty, so I will not be caring, kind or even accomodating to the fashionistas that are filling the red carpet like Ebola fills a petri dish.
The crowd is screaming like it’s a parade. It sounds like Carnivale in Rio.
Roberts tosses the segment across the red carpet. “And the MVP Tim Gunn is here she says.”
I am not sure who Gunn is, or why he is an MVP but he is apparently very well known in the fashion world.
He calls what is going on the “center of the universe.” He says he is excited and thrilled.
Tim Gunn is joined by another fashionista, Nina Garcia. Again, not sure who she is either, but she is apparently someone of importance and she likes to ask “who are you wearing?” a lot.
“The Oscar red carpet is the superbowl of fashion,” she says. And of course Twitter is going to blow up, they say. Vote for your favorite dress they implore as if this show needs any more hype.
Cut back to Robin Roberts who is talking to Octavia Spencer. She is a full sized woman and her dress flows like a curtain flows over a full sized woman.
Of course Roberts is as pleasant as she can be.
You look wonderful blah blah blah.
“If people do you well,” Spencer says talking about her make up and clothing. “You need to tell everyone.”
“I hear that,” Robin Roberts says back.
Cut to Jonah Hill, the formerly fat little comedic actor now up for best supporting actor.
So far, every man interviewed on the red carpet is wearing a black tux. Black and White. White and black. It is boring and predictable. Hill is no different, sporting the black and white calling card that makes every man’s wardrobe so damn pedestrian.
What makes him different?, he comes to the Oscars with his mommy.
“They gave birth to you you have to pay them back,” he says.
True that Jonah Hill.
Cut to Tim Gunn with Maya Rudolph, of SNL fame.
You look fabulous he says. Like what is he going to say. You look fat?
“What is the secret?” he asks.
“Bring snacks in your purse,” she muses. “and secret undergarments.”
Gunn’s eyes light up when he hears the words undergarments. “Are you wearing support items?” he asks if that is appropriate in front of 50 million people.
“I’m wearing so much shape wear I could support the entire industry.”
“I am wearing shape wear for men,” Gunn says trying to top her, as if that is OK.” “If it makes you slimmer and neater why not? he poses aloud.
Cut to Robin Roberts who never had a sour word for anyone.
Who are you wearing?
The actress says some designer I am unfamiliar with.
“Oh you look beautiful,” she says. “you are a designer’s dream”
It’s getting so sappy, I’m beginning to get nauseous. I am bloating from so much hyperbole and excessive ass sniffing that I need to beer bong Pepto Bismol.
“You look flawless,” Robin Roberts says to another actress wearing a potato sack with sequins.
It’s hard to hear every word. The crowd is screaming incessantly.
Like an Oscar worthy performance, an Oscar worthy dress doesn’t just happen, Gunn says. So true.
Who are you wearing? what are you wearing. I love your dress. It is the theme of the night.
I know I like movies and I like attractive women. I guess this program is worth watching, but at times, I also find myself wanting to turn away.
Cut to Roberts again. “We are standing with the breathtaking Milla Jovovich.”
Jovovich is a presenter. She is in a gown. It’s a dress. It clings to her. It wraps around her. It is shimmery. I am not sure what type of dress she is wearing. I feel out of my element, like a fish in a bowling alley. Dresses, gowns, Vera Wang. I sadly do not have this type of sartorial knowledge. Oscar dresses for $500 Alex.
“I want to be sleek and structured,” Jovovich says. “I wanted a clear and clean line. I want to glow. Like I am a bride.”
This is what I strive for as I dress each morning as well.
As I watch this show, I am a reminded of how much I enjoy it when an English Bull Dog shakes its jowels spraying dog drool on my clean slacks.
Red Carpet show?
I am not overwhelmed so far. What I see are a lot of men wearing black tuxedos. They are boring. Who are you wearing? Who cares. Marriott’s Waiter formal wear?
Cut to Robin Roberts with Prince Albert of Monaco. He looks like a bald waiter with a heart condition. He is with Bob Iger who runs Disney which owns ABC which pays Robin Roberts salary.
I actually feel uncomfortable for Robin Roberts. She is a news woman forced to interview her boss and it doesn’t matter what he says, she has to giggle like she is listening and she cares.
About as Awkward as a Koran burning in Kabul.
Cut to Emma Stone, a rather hot actress wearing a questionable ensemble.
She is wearing a red dress with a huge bow on her neck. She looks like a Christmas harlet. She says her dress is fuscia. I think it is red. why can’t it be red? Why does it have to be scarlet or cardinal or rose. Call it what it is – RED. Either way, I don’t like it. She was in the movie The Help. She needed some help getting dressed. It looks like her bow of questionable origins is trying to strangle her.
When asked what dress stands out, Nina Garcia says “Rooney Mara. She is about the contrast. She has a severe haircut and a fragile laced dress. she is Audrey Hepburn gone punk.”
Whatever.
I am growing weary. I turn over to TBS and they are introducing the NBA all stars. Quite a difference. Hip Hop and baby daddies and a seriously lack of birth control pills come together in a spritely sort of way. I don’t even know what that means.
Back to the Oscar pre party. OOOOH, we’re going back stage:
Who are you wearing?
Zack Galifianakis, comedian says; “Garanimals.”
Nice.
I go back to the NBA all star game.
Lebron is slamming alley oops. Kobe Bryant is bleeding. I thought this was suppose to be a charitable exihibition. It’s getting rough over on TNT. It is refreshing. Nobody wearing a red bow.
I am looking forward to Billy Crystal’s opening segment.
Cut to Gunn who is hanging with Brad Pitt.
Gunn is pompous as he says “It is so easy for men to dress, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it’s all about penguins black and white,” Pitt says.
“How can men not get it right?” Gunn asks.
“I haven’t seen anyone not getting it right,” Pitts retorts with a smile.
“Oh I have seen a few mistakes,” he says his voice rising like a washing machine with cats in the spin cycle.
Again, it’s kind of an uncomfortable TV moment. I get the feeling that Gunn wants wants to squeeze Brad Pitt’s butt cheeks. I know he does, because I think I do too.
Pitt thanks him and walks away.
Gunn is standing there holding his microphone with two hands as if he has just climaxed. Relax sir, Relax.
Thank God all the red carpet denizens are begining to walk inside. That means the red carpet atrocity is about to end and Billy Crystal can restore my faith in what is good in Hollywood. Which might not be much.
Robin Roberts ends the show asking Chris Rock who are you wearing.
“Fubu” he says with that million watt smile.
Hilariously appropriate.
Oh and by the way. West all Stars held on to win by 2 points. Very exciting finish. MVP Kevin Durant.
And that is crazy.™