You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
It’s like Taxi Cab Confessions, except rolling around like a drunk ass in the back of a cab, you’re sorry ass goes to the glass house.
You know why Notarized Confessions are crazy? Because it’s like waving the white flag of surrender. If you’re gonna be a thief, if you’re gonna steal from other people, then do it with conviction. If you have the stones to reach into another man’s pockets and pluck out their Benjamins and you still have the nerve to look him in the face every single day, then stay the course loser.
Notarizing your confession? That’s like Columbus getting to the edge of the ocean and listening to his scared ass crew and turning the fleet around.
If you set sail, then sail.
So what is a notarized confession?
Well it’s unique, that’s to be sure.
It’s when you confess your sins in writing and take it to a notary republic and say “Hey Notary, I’m a thief and I’m feeling kind of guilty, so would you stamp this hand written confession I am going to give to the police.”
The notary looks up at you and wonders if you just did a bindle of Heroin or you really are that stupid.
Can you imagine being the notary, rubber stamping that garbage.
Some tattooed felon walks in and lays their misspelled mess on your table and asks you to authenticate it in some legal manner.
Why bother? Just drop dime on yourself thief and wait for the police to come.
Why she did it is unknown. Was it foolishness, or redemption?
A 23 year old woman in jail tonight charged with Theft over $60,000.
She’s looking at 8-12 years in prison.
So was it worth it?
According to investigators, for the last 20 months, the woman has been stealing from her employer, ringing up bottles of booze and then pocketing the cash.
A fifth of Jack Daniels here, a bottle of Captain Morgan’s rum there. A 2o into her pocket this time. A ten spot into her pocket next time. It all adds up. What could be simpler?
After 20 months the liquor store owner finally notices she is missing tens of thousands of dollars.
What took so long to figure that out? Was she mainlining Maker’s Mark?
At the end of the day, she will tell police that she is missing $100,000 !
ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!
How many cases of Jack Daniels is that???
How do you not miss $10o,000?
I know when $20 falls out of my pocket.
A mental radar goes off in my brain freezing my musculature system.
Imagine the terminator seeing all that red glowing computerized stuff in his eye. That’s my brain the minute a 20 goes missing.
I’d be calling out Seal Team 6 to find my money?
I’d be bangin on the door of Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s door. “Hey Ben, put out an APB on my money, homey.”
A hundred grand missing? That be like a super model dumping you on the Oscars Red Carpet.
I think I’d notice!!
So the liquor store owner wakes up from a 20 month slumber and finally calls all her employees together. It’s coming to Jesus and she says “ladies we have a problem.”
The next day the 23 year old thief hands her boss a signed and notarized admission of guilt. The document says To Whom It May Concern. I stole $35,000 and I will repay it.
The owner looks at the paper and says, “Uh, I’m missing closer to $100,000.”
Again. If you were missing $100,000, wouldn’t you act more aggressively? It’s like this investigation is in slow motion, tires off the road, spinning in the mud.
I’m calling the National Guard if that’s my employee.
So the next day the clerk brings in another notarized confession. She has upped her admission of guilt by 40 thousand dollars. This notarized document now says she stole $75,000 and she promises to repay it and blah blah blah and she’s sorry and…
Shut the hell up.
I say let the beat down begin.
The owner finally catches a clue and calls the police.
Cops say proving embezzlement cases are hard. That is unless your victim hands you a signed, notarized confession from the employee who is accused of embezzling.
That’s challenging like clubbing baby gerbils in a shoe box.
The police go to the employee’s house and arrest her.
“What did she spend the money on?” I ask, “Tattoos?”.
“I don’t know,” the detective says. “she wouldn’t say. It didn’t look like she purchased anything at the house.”
The woman is covered head to toe with body ink. She looks like a copy of Mad Magazine that has washed up in a New York City sewer.
“My bet’s on ink.”
The cop laughs.
“Sure wish all my cases were this easy,” the cop says.
I shake my head.