Non Dairy Napalm

You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™

Non Dairy Creamer.

It comes in a white plastic jug. There is a picture of a cartoon dairy cow on the front. She is smiling, inviting, urging me to pour the creamy delicious contents of this jug into my morning joe.

Moooo!

And pour I do. By the pound.

It is smooth and delicious, pouring out like flavored chalk.

It flows like a granular fountain into the hot black coffee.

I twist a spoon in the steaming hot liquid, creating a creamy whirl pool. I watch the non dairy creamer swirl, descending into the black java like a cork screw of deliciousness.

With a few tornadic revolutions in my cup, the black transforms into a creamy white. I take a sip, feeling the smooth, silky elixir float down the back of my throat.

So delicious, a piping hot Nirvana.

But what is this potion that I consume, wolfing it down like free candy at a diabetes convention?

For some reason. For some unexplainable reason. After 35 years of filling my cup with a small layer of non dairy concrete, multiple times a day. I decide to GOOGLE: what is non dairy creamer?

Yikes!

They say knowledge is power. In this case, knowledge is scary.

According to Dr. Mercola: Non-dairy creamer can scarcely be called “cream” at all, as it is more aptly a synthetic combination of chemicals, oils, sugars, and milk products.

Did he say chemicals? I’m drinking chemicals?

I look deeper into Dr. Mercola’s website and I see kids sprinkling non dairy creamer over a fire.

Poof! The Flames soar into the sky and the kids shriek.

Should I be worried that the coffee supplement that I dump by the shovel full burns like napalm over a back yard grill?

If it ignites so readily, capable of setting a jungle village ablaze, what is it doing to my stomach? My esophagus? Dare I say my Colon?

Katie Bar the Door!

I dig deeper into the story and find that my powdery mix is filled with partially hydrogenated soybean oil which is loaded with trans fat which promotes inflammation. The Dr. says there is also a major health hazard from soy which is genetically engineered and contaminated with highly toxic herbicides like Roundup.

Wait. What?

I’m gulping down non dairy Roundup?

You mean I can sprinkle my non dairy creamer in my coffee or in my garden and the results are the same?

You mean my stomach and the weeds should both be concerned?

That sounds like a problem on a cellular level.

And the FDA is OK with this?

As I read on, and think about how much non dairy creamer I consume, I begin to see skull and crossbones dancing across my brain.

The Doctor mentions something called Dipotassium Phosphate which is lurking in that pleasant looking canister. According to the cream doctor, this tongue twister of a chemical elixir is an inorganic salt used as a stabilizer and anti-coagulant in non-dairy creamer. It’s also used in fertilizers and cosmetics, and is said to cause vomiting and diarrhea if consumed in quantities.

Fertilizers? Vomiting? Diarrhea?

None of these components are listed on the canister. You would think that fun loving cartoon cow on the package would say “Moo. Enjoy your creamer. And by the way, you may lose it from both ends! Have a nice day. Moo!”

Again, where is the FDA?

Cosmetics?

Is this the equivalent of dumping Clinique Face Powder in my cup of morning Joe?

Will it put hair on my tongue?

It’s the next morning. I’m genuinely concerned as I watch the magic bean drip drip drip into the coffee pot. It is black and rich and smells like good morning.

I look at the cartoon cow. Normally, I pull it close to the pot, keeping it at the ready, to pour the chalky flavor into my cup. I like the puff of creamy smoke as the creamer hits the bottom of the cup and explodes back out the opening like a non dairy nuclear mushroom cloud.

But today, the thought of consuming napalm makes me wary.

The pot gurgles that it is done brewing. I pour the black liquefied bean into the cup and stare at it.

The steam floats into the morning air.

Then I hear a feint moo. It’s like a bovine seductress calling me.

I look at the cartoon cow and I swear it winks.

“What about me?” she says with a big Looney Tunes Like smile.

I am tempted. I have poured this enigmatic mix into my java every day of my life, multiple times a day, for 35 years. And today, out of nowhere, for some reason, I forgo this key component of my morning ritual?

I take a sip from the cup. The liquid is so black it goes down like asbestos. So that’s what coffee tastes like, I think to myself.

I’ve always said I love coffee. But in that first sip, I realize that perhaps I love Dipotassium Phosphate.

Maybe I should lay out a line of non dairy creamer and snort it up my nose in a fiery napalm of intoxication.

I put the cup down and stare at it. Black and boring and severely lacking in richness and diarrhea causing properties that can be consumed and applied as a facial foundation.

I am sad. My cup of Joe in the morning normally brings a volcanic joy to my day. This has brought me angst and deep rumination.

Enjoy my drug of choice and destroy my colon like roundup obliterating field daisies.

Or forgo the non dairy mystery mix in favor of something more black and slightly less toxic.

I stare at the cow. She winks like a Vegas hooker at a black jack table at 4am.

She wants me. I know she does. I want her too.

MOOOO!

I’ve been drinking this concoction for 35 years. It hasn’t killed me or caused onset Alzheimer’s.

I smile at the little cartoon cow.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” I whisper.

I stare at the bowl of sugar.

I wonder what that does to the human body.

I pause a moment.