You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
The bathrooms at the Olympic Village in Sochi.
Two toilets. Missing tiles. Lots of emptiness.
A NYC phone booth has more style.
A coffin is more cozy.
The Russians are still building rooms in the Olympic village. The opening ceremony is Friday and the news showed workers spray painting dirt green like it was grass.
Nothing smells like spring like the inviting aroma of paint.
I saw an interview with Russians on a Vodka break paving roads, putting out a welcome mat they haven’t made yet.
The Russians make the Three stooges look Einstein, Galileo and Michelangelo.
The Olympics is 1 day away and they are still laying cobble stones over a pasture where last week goats came to consummate their goat marriages.
The Olympic village appears to be ready, from the outside. But upon closer inspection, it is like a Hollywood set.
The walls are up and the exterior glimmering, but upon closer inspection it is a shell game of construction.
Some rooms are so incomplete, workers are laying carpet in rooms, hanging up Hello Kitty paintings, throwing mattresses into rooms like it is a youth hostel.
Things are so Spartan, the warrior poets in Braveheart would demand their money back.
How bad is it?
It’s so bad if you want on-demand-porn? Better watch those goats in the painted field.
How bad is it? You want bathroom privacy? Better go in the shower with a bucket.
You want a mint on your pillow? Just be glad they left a mattress on the floor for you.
The Winter Olympics Slogan? Under Construction.
The bathrooms are a running joke on late night TV.
Some have 2 toilets in the same room. Two toilets side by side. Are you kidding me? 2 man luge I get. 2 man toilet jockeying? That’s insane.
Who wants to do their business with someone sitting right beside them? If you want that, why leave the NYC subway system?
Hey Russians. Not only does all this make you seem incompetent, it makes you seem creepy.
And then there are the signs showing up around the Olympic village.
Apparently in Russia there are some strange toilet do’s and don’ts.
In Russia, nobody stands to pee.
The sign, and I’m told it is real, shows several figures. The first shows a man standing and dots coming out of his torso, projecting toward the toilet. There is a big Red X going through this figure. That means standing and urinating is a NO NO.
The message: If you are a man and you have a penis and you stand to pee, then stop it. Standing to pee in Russia is prohibited. For women, I understand. For men? Well, I’m just confused.
The do’s and dont’s get stranger.
The next figure is bent over the rim, barfing up a meal cooked in a recently constructed Sochi kitchen.
Apparently if you are going to get sick, make sure you do it from a sitting position. The only way you can upchuck into a toilet you are sitting on is to spread your thighs wide apart and then bend over at the waste and projectile vomit through your legs. Again if you are man, this is going to get messy.
The next Don’t symbol shows a man squatting on the toilet. The figure is poised, perched, very ready to conduct business. He is like a porcupine, raised up, wildly ready to leap or poop or God only knows. Do you know many people who would attempt to relieve themselves like this? I don’t.
The message from Olympic organizers is clear: If the notion crosses your mind, to stand on your toilet seat like a wild cave creature, doing squats while conducting excretory activities, then STOP. This type of bodily elimination is frowned upon.
The next figure is straight out of Mad Magazine.
It shows an angler standing in front of the commode with a fishing pole. Yes a fishing pole! the angler’s line is inside the toilet and he is presumably fishing for what I don’t know. Did he lose his watch? Is he looking for supper? Who exactly is this sign targeting? I have never known anyone to fish through their toilet, have you? It’s so bizarre it’s gross, sacrilegious, just disgusting.
Toilet fishing? At what point are you so drunk, so high on Qualudes at the sign factory, that you just say to yourself “Boris, you make man fish at toilet look good for bathroom sign”
The last figure is spread eagle on the floor in front of the commode. The character is either holding a hand grenade or a pineapple. Whichever it is, apparently this is also prohibited in Sochi. I understand the need to warn people Not to Flush a pineapple or a hand grenade down the toilet, but WTF?
My question is, did someone get paid to make these signs? Are they for real? Are Russians this weird? Are Americans just conservative and this is how the rest of the world pees?
Thanks Sochi Olympic committee.
Life’s Crazy™