You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS.
Did you make one? It’s ultra chic to make one and then do a facebook live to tell all your friends about it.
Is 2020 the year you make that change?
Is this beginning of a vice free you?
Less fat. Less Drunk. Less Stupid.
Quit lying to yourself.
Does one minute really matter?
Are you a different person at 12:00 am Jan 1st, than you were at 11:59 pm Dec 31st?
Can you simply change who you are by stepping through this imaginary symbolic made up door?
If you are a fat, drunken, lazy slob, why wait till January 1st to change?
You know why?
Because you’re a fat, drunken, lazy slob.
New Year’s resolutions sound good and make the heart happy, but in the end they should be called
NEW YEAR’S DAY PROCRASTINATIONS
If you live in the UK and you want to floss more, then why not start NOW.
Don’t wait till the ball drops.
Good dental hygiene is what separates us from other primates.
If you want to drink less, don’t wait till New Year’s Day.
Start St. Patrick’s Day. March 17th. Test yourself coming out of the gate.
No More Green Beer or t-shirts covered in vomit.
If you are on the last hole of that worn out belt, then shut your pie hole.
Don’t wait to lose weight till January 1st. Do it on Thanksgiving day.
Make it interesting.
Stare at the turkey basting in the oven for 4 hours and tell yourself; I’M THE MAN.
Go all in on Halloween, October 31st.
Pledge to never put Candy Corn in another Trick or Treater’s candy bag.
Don’t procrastinate to make change.
How about that big life change February 14th.
Tell your sweetie that special something.
Quit swiping right. Take the pledge: No more Candy Hearts from the discount bin.
I’m just saying that if you can change your life on New Year’s Day, why not just change it today?
And the number one New Year’s Day resolution?
I AM GOING TO GET BACK IN THE GYM.
Every January, there are new fat souls clinging to the life cycles and sweating on the treadmill.
January 1st 2020, I walk into my local gym and immediately smell stank.
It slaps my senses like a football to Marcia Brady’s face.
Stank is not a word. That’s why Stank is the perfect non word to describe this odor that is composed of new elements from an intergalactic periodic chart.
Suddenly there is a humidity in the room that a single over head fan cannot dispose of.
Suddenly there is a whir of motors and machines and the clanking of iron.
It sounds like the assembly line at the Ford Plant.
January first has brought out the life change warriors.
They are dressed in new spandex holding back thighs and ass particles like a neutron star collapsing upon itself.
I see cut off army fatigues on one guy.
Thank you for your service I almost shout.
I see an older man wearing blue jeans and a belt.
I appreciate the effort old timer, but you think you could find some old gray sweat pants from the Rocky Collection.
Go Old School!
New fat warriors get on the scale and move the counter balances back and forth like they are staring into a crystal ball with bad reception.
You aren’t burning a lot of calories shifting the weights on the scale big boy.
There are iridescent puddles of melted fat sweat under the handle bars of each bike. It looks like melted butter.
I wish I could call the Neighborhood Association hazmat team to hit the door like a mop toting SWAT team.
Don’t get me wrong. I love self improvement. But I hate procrastination.
If you recognize that you need to change, then change.
Don’t look at the calendar and say to yourself, “Yeah, I think I’m free next Tuesday.”
Start Today. Change yourself Now.
Lose the fat. Put down the pork chop. No more pills, booze or beating the kids.
Whatever your vice, change your ways.
Don’t use a time honored procrastination methodology to guide your success.
The longer you wait, the more time you have to fall down the rabbit hole.
The sirens on the shore will find you. Their sexy hypnotic song will lure you into the rocks and you will crash and burn.
Make a New Year’s resolution. Just don’t wait till January 1st to make it.