You Know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy
An economy swirling down the toilet forcing thieves to steal anything, even stupid things, including chewing gum.
Yep, you heard right. Apparently in this crappy ass economy, the bar has been dramatically lowered. Where thieves once stole jewelry and cash and stereo systems. Now, anything goes.
The Hartford Courant reports Bandits bypassing standard “stealable” luxury items so they can swipe sticky wads of goo.
As kids we would use to put our chewing gum under our desks. We never realized that it was a commodity that had value that would disappear off store shelves in a rampage of five finger discounting.
Gum thieving? It’s so unbelievable, it’s just crazy.
Imagine going to prison for stealing gum? How do you explain that to your jail house bunkie.
“Whatya in for little man,” the angry tattooed man asks.
“Uh theft.” you answer in your deepest, pumped up voice.
“Whatda steal?” the tatooted man says flexing his bicept that reads: i love to kill.
“Uh Gum.” you reply knowing that you are about to get an ass whoopin.
The next thing you see is a fist in your eye and the sensation of toilet water floating over your skull.
Note to would be thieves: Cons hate child molesters and gum thieves.
According to the Hartford Courant; “There’s apparently a black market for Dentyne. Just as there is a market for expensive valuables such as jewelry or tools.
“We’ve had a number of larceny cases recently involving thefts of substantial amounts of chewing gum,” New Britain State’s Attorney Scott Murphy said Friday. “What the motive is, we don’t know.”
I’ll tell you what the motive is Mr. D.A. It’s a desire for cleaner breath. Remember: Four out of Five probation officers recommend stealing a product that decreases plaque. That’s why you don’t read much about theft of beef jerky. It doesn’t do much for oral hygiene.
The newspaper article indicates that one 21 year old perp was caught stealing $800 worth of Orbit chewing gum.
$800 dollars worth of chewing gum? Really? What are you going to do with that much Orbit?
Police speculate that the gum is traded for drugs. Imagine that. Gum traded for drugs. Why not just steal drugs if you want drugs?
Go down to the street corner and rob another dirt bag carrying a dime bag.
You steal gum and you deprive teenagers on a date of fresh breath. You steal gum and you make it harder for secretaries who throw a few back at lunch to conceal the alcohol on their breath.
Gum isn’t the only target. Police say in this hectic economy thieves are stealing meat and fish and candy and almost anything a digestive system can digest.
From an investigative standpoint, chewing gum is hard to trace, unless the thieves are leaving a trail of wadded up gum stuck under bus benches, church pews and school desks.
I don’t endorse crime, but if you are going to steal, then steal with a little professionalism. Take some pride in your work. Steal something you can be proud you stole.
Stealing gum is weak.
And that is crazy!