You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Googling for no damned reason.
They say that idle time is the hands of the devil or some such blasphemous thing.
Well today I was the Devil’s personal whipping boy, because I had no ideas.
I was as empty as a Super Model’s soul.
I was vacant like a high rise in Detroit.
I stared at the white screen before me and I waited for the ideas to float out of the ether.
And then in a mindless world filled with white nothingness, A thought…
What if…
What if I typed a single word into the Google search engine?
What would happen if I chased that word with the response to the word and then typed that word into the search engine.
At the end of the day, where would the interminable black hole of information lead me?
Love it.
To me it was so weird it was cool. It was like a test, like going to the psychiatrist’s office and looking at ink blots that look like people having sex and kittens playing with yarn.
I don’t even know what that means….
Suddenly the word Rapscallion pops into my head.
So for no particular reason I type Rapscallion into the search engine.
Bang.
In .20 of a second I learn that Rapscallion is a noun that means mischievous person.
I smile.
In a 6 degrees of separation mentality, I erase the word Rapscallion and punch in the word mischievous.
Bang.
in .27 seconds (not sure what took so long) Google returns:
Mischievous: an adjective, causing or showing a fondness for causing trouble in a playful way.
I smile, then I type the phrase:
WHO IS MISCHIEVOUS?
ZOINKS!
A slide show appears.
Number 1 on the Mischevious list?
James Gandolfini
Who you ask? Why you wonder?
James Gandolfini! The dead actor who is most famous for his role as Mob Boss Tony Soprano.
In the entire world of Mischievous, Google picks James Gandolfini as the number one most Mischievious?
Interesting. From Rapscallion to James Gandolfini in two clicks.
Those two things are as compatible as a paint ball fight inside a confessional.
I think Google has hiccuped but I am an importunate son of a bitch so I go with the flow and I type in James Gandolfini.
Boing!
A sordid headline appears from the New York Post:
Soprano’s star James Gandolfini guzzled at least 8 drinks during his final meal.
Man that sucks for him. You die. You are famous. You Google your name and “Guzzled 8 drinks at final meal” is your ever lasting epitaph.
Now I’m rolling. So I type in “guzzled 8 drinks and …
Poof!
Headline: Average Binge Drinker Knocks Back 8 Drinks At a Time.
Wow. I expect a series of mug shots of my old college room mates to appear on the screen.
Next. I type in the phrase “Knocks Back.”
Bang!
Google returns: Unsinkable: How to bounce back quickly when life knocks you down!
Huh?
It’s a self help book being marketed by Amazon.
I smile knowing that this cosmic journey has now turned into the celestial ice berg off the port side.
So I type in the word – Unsinkable.
I laugh out loud.
Google returns this:
Unsinkable is the definitive memoir by film legend and Hollywood icon Debbie Reynolds.
Hmmmm. I didn’t see that one coming.
I type in the phrase: MEMOIR FILM.
Bada Bing Bada Boom!
ROMAN POLANSKI: A FILM MEMOIR
I wonder if this about to get creepy.
I hope so. So of course I punch in Roman Polanski and …
Wikipedia says he is a French Film director famous for directing Rosemary’s baby in 1968. It says Charles Manson murdered his pregnant wife Sharon Tate. It says he was arrested for statutory rape of a 13 year old girl in 1977.
I’m now grooving through the internet like a skateboarder illegally booking down the steps of the county courthouse.
I punch in Charles Manson.
Bam.
Charles Manson is a convicted serial killer who has become an icon of evil.
I type in “Serial killer”
Ring a Ding Ding!
Definition: A serial killer is traditionally defined as a person who has murdered three or more people over a period of more than a month.
Only three?
Three murders for a serial killer? Come on boy, take off the training wheels will ya?
The 1st 3 serial killers that Google picks out of an entire universe of human debauchery?
1. Ted Bundy: American Serial killer, rapist, kidnapper, necrophile.
2. Jeffrey Dahmner. The Milwaukee Cannibal.
3. John Wayne Gacy: The Killer Clown
I punch in “Killer Clowns”
Zoinks.
It’s a movie! Killer Klowns From Outer Space is a 1988 American science fiction horror comedy movie.
I didn’t see that at the academy awards nominations…
So I punch in “Outer Space”
Bong
The headline: ‘Gravity’ is a hit that hits a nerve: a new and old outer-space movie.
Gravity: the George Clooney – Sandra Bullock thriller set in space.
So I punch in “Sandra Bullock”
Bam!
Google says: Sandra Bullock is reportedly in the process of adopting a second child and sources claim the actress is hoping for a baby girl.
so I type in BABY GIRL
Surprise surprise: NYPD use DNA to find mother of Baby Hope, girl found dead in picnic cooler 22 years ago.
I’m growing weary of my dumb game.
I feel like a cat box who has used his box and covered his stuff and now it is time to politely excuse myself and move on.
I decide that I can play this monotonous game forever and accomplish virtually nothing.
It is interesting that a search that began with the word RAPSCALLION has brought me to a 22 year old murder mystery in New York City.
The internet is an amazing animal, prowling in a dark hallway of information that is interminable.
I am about to click the X when suddenly I have the urge to travel this endless elevator one more time.
Just for fun I type in the word PicNic Basket.
Boom.
In a millisecond I am catapulted though an information portal at alarming and irrational speeds.
Out of nowhere, and who the hell knows why, the Google God returns this:
Komodo Dragons find a home at Reptiland
Random huh?
Reptiland is in Allen Town, Pa.
Perhaps it is a place filled with rapscallion mob bosses who like Sandra Bullock movies.
I shut off the computer and push away from the technological drug that we are all addicted to.
Google surfing.
Life’s Crazy™