Gimme a Bullet to Bite On

You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.

Ordering soldiers to stop smoking. Yeah, you heard me. Military commanders are considering a proposal that would strip GI Joe of his much deserved drag and puff.

DATELINE: SOMEWHERE DANGEROUS AND SANDY:

CNN REPORTS: A new study commissioned by the Pentagon and the Department of Veterans Affairs recommends a complete ban on tobacco, which would end tobacco sales on military bases and prohibit smoking by anyone in uniform, not even combat troops in the thick of battle.

Are you crazy? You gotta be crazy!

That’s like taking the utility belt from Batman. It’s like telling OPRAH to put down the ham sandwich. It’s like telling Barry Bonds not to go postal on roids. It just ain’t right.

I mean why would you try and pull the fire stick out of soldier boy’s mouth? Is that really all the commanders down at the Pentagon have to do these days? Are there not enough wars to fight? Are there not enough safe zones to make safe? have all the Iraqi bed wetters been given a beret and told how to take the safety off their rifles?

Hey MacArthur; if you have time to regulate the cardio pulminary health of each and every enlisted man, then I think you have severely mismanaged the war effort. Do us all a favor and make the United States safer and free of terror. That’s job one. taking cigarettes from soldiers isn’t even on that list.

Here’s the way I see it General Know it all : We’re the USA. We kick ass and take names. We need our young men and women prepared, relaxed and ready to rock.

We don’t need a fighting force getting jittery because they can’t find their nicotine gum. We don’t need soldiers sitting on top of a razor blade, losing focus. The brave young men and women engaging freedom all over the world don’t need to be wondering if the anti smoking patch covering up the “I LOVE MOM” tattoo on their bicep is working or not.

By even authorizing this insane study, soldiers start to hear voices in their heads; voices that say; “don’t worry about RPG’s fired from insurgent Taliban crazies. Worry about walking a mile for a Camel?”

I mean smoking could kill you right?

According to the study, tobacco use impairs military readiness in the short term. Over the long term, it can cause serious health problems, including lung cancer and cardiovascular disease. The study also says smokeless tobacco use can lead to oral and pancreatic cancer.

And there you have it. proof that Military Intelligence is just a wet dream in a desert of stupid.

First and foremost. I don’t smoke, and I don’t like smoking. But if a soldier living on the edge of life and death, hunkering down on the precipice of insanity wants to light up, I say smoke em if you got em.

Today’s modern soldier is as well equipped a fighting force as the world has ever known. But there are still plenty of times when fighting a war is old school. Soldiers in combat still hunker down in the dirt. Just like soldiers have done since soldiers started fighting, he digs a hole and takes cover. He lives in this hole. He craps in this hole. He eats in this hole. He sleeps in this hole. And you know what, if a soldier wants to light up a cigarette and smoke in his hole, then so be it.

Try turning on a John Wayne war movie and not see soldiers kicking ass and taking names for Uncle Sam with a Marlboro dangling from their lips. Not only is it cinematically impossible, it is categorically Un-American.

Smoking in the military is like rubbing dirt on your hands in baseball. It’s like eating jello cubes in zero gravity in sky lab. It’s like farting around a campfire in a Blazing Saddles movie. It’s just something you do.

And now military leaders, who still can’t figure out what cave Osama Bin Laden is smoking ganja in, have decided to preoccupy themselves with tobacco use among soldiers.

Can you say; CRAZY?

According to the report, The study recommends phasing out tobacco products such as cigarettes and cigars over a five- to 10-year period.

However, the suggested ban does not sit well with many in uniform, including retired Gen. Russel Honore, best known for coordinating military relief efforts for Hurricane Katrina-affected areas with an ever-present stogie. He said soldiers at war need to puff.

“When you’re tired and you’ve been going days on end with minimum sleep, and you are not getting the proper meals on time, that hit of tobacco can make a difference,”

I’ll be more blunt : I say scrap the smoking ban and give these boys the tools they need to kick some ass. Give them Kevlar jock straps if that’s what it takes. Give them reinforced Humvees that laugh at insurgent gun fire and repel hand grenades like water beading on a newly waxed Camaro. Give soldiers tools that work and weapons that do what they are designed to do. Support them with clear objectives and strategies that have outcomes for success.

If soldiers want to smoke, let them smoke. If it takes the edge off, then Damn It, don’t you think you should let them take the edge off.

Christ, they’re old enough to die, don’t you think they’re old enough to choose to smoke?

I know that cigarettes cut like 5 minutes or something off your life. Guess what? A sniper bullet cuts all the minutes off your life. If the soldier needs to stay alert, and smoking allows that to happen then inhale deeply.

According to the report: civilians don’t smoke as much as soldiers. One in three active duty soldiers smoke, he said, adding that among the general population, that number is less than one in five.

You know why less civilians smoke than soldiers? Because compared to soldiers, civilians have all the stress of the Maytag Repairman. In your job at the drive thru window is anyone trying to frag your ass with hot piping lead? Doubtful. At your job at the bus station is anybody running up to you with C-4 strapped to his scrotum? Not likely. In your job at the local coffee shop, is anyone trying to ram a rocket propelled grenade up your ass? I would just answer that with a resounding NO.

Fighting for freedom is not a 9-5 job. The only guarantees are there are no guarantees.

From basic training to going on patrol, being a soldier is hard, sweaty and dangerous work. I bet most of you would cry if you had this kind of stress at your job site.

I say let the military smoke if they want to smoke. If you need something to do Patton, try and get American children to do a push up with out a Big Mac dangling out of their face.

Now that is a military operation worth pursuing.