You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
Frozen Cows.
This next story takes us to the Rocky Mountains where cows are cows and rangers are nervous.
Why nervous? Because the bovine froze, side by side, their hides literally fusing as one big monster, three headed freak cow.
Frozen cows? Yes frozen cows, kind of like a couple of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks, just way bigger, and possibly filled with sour milk.
The forest rangers need to remove the cows. The fear is the cows will melt when the temperatures rise. Fermenting, melting stinky cow guts could easily spoil the water supply. So the rangers have to remove the frozen cows. The problem is – the cows are wedged in such a way that it is impossible to simply pull them out.
Hmmm. Frozen – hard to remove cows.
What is a ranger to do?
Are you buckled in? Are you seats and tray tables in the full and upright position?
The rangers are considering blowing up the cows with explosives designed to disintegrate the frozen bond.
Think about that concept. Blowing up cows. Crazy.
Like a scene out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Cows summer saulting through the air.
Aren’t there other options you ask? Well they talked about burning down the cabin the cows are wedged beside. They talked about using a helicopter to yank them free.
But the craziest plan is to shove dynamite up their cow asses and blow the frozen bovine to smithereens.
Who dreams up a plan like this?
Back in 1989 I was working in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
There was a blizzard and temperatures dropped to 20 below zero.
It was so cold, a car tire cracked like broken glass.
The next morning, I climbed aboard a US Army helicopter and they flew us into the hills.
“Down there,” the soldier in the back pointed.
I looked out the window. The world was a tundra white as far as the eye could see.
I’ve never been to the South Pole, but I can’t imagine it looked much different than this.
“What?” I shout over the insanely loud rotors.
“The herd,” he hollers back.
I looked again. The gigantic rotor blades were blowing loose snow drifts apart.
That’s when I saw a horn pop through the 8 foot high snow drift.
I began video taping unbelievable images of hoofs and heads and frozen tails, barely visible under a blanket of white.
Over night, a massive ice storm moved into the mountains covered up one Idaho Ranchers entire herd. 1000 head of cattle. Dead. Frozen. Side by side. Barely visible from an army chopper hovering 50 feet off the ground.
It was so cold that month, I actually did a stand up holding two geese heads. Their necks snapped off and they were so stiff, so frozen, I was able to hold them up in front of the camera like dead candy canes with hollow death eyes.
The rancher lost everything in one night. Then something wonderful happened. Cattlemen from all over the USA heard about his loss and they sent cows. Brown cows. Black cows. boy cows. girl cows. bulls and milking cows. A cow here. A cow there. truck loads of cows. Soon the rancher had a Benneton of cows in his pasture.
Out of something as horrible as frozen cows, the spirit of giving flourished.
I am not sure how blowing up a three headed frozen freak cow will possibly have a happy ending like my rancher story, but hey, I don’t make this crap up, I simply report it.
Good luck ranger Rick.
Exploded cow is hard to clean out of the screen door.
And that is crazy.™