You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Fantasy Football.
It’s week 7 and I have one lousy win.
One lousy win.
I was last year’s champ. I was a fantasy pistellero with the cool of an autumn tombstone.
I rarely left points on my bench. I knew when questionable meant probable and probable meant start him.
Last year, I took home the money and fried it up in the pan. I never let myself forget I was the man!
This year, I can’t find a way to win.
I’m lost like Stevie Wonder trying to figure out if my underwear needs changing.
One lousy win. Mentally challenged fish can accidentally bump into one fantasy win.
How the mighty have fallen.
This year a burp has more potential to put up big fantasy numbers.
One of the keys to being a champion is managing injuries. Fantasy, like real football is all about the NEXT MAN UP.
That means when the starter pulls his groin off his femur like a turkey leg in November, the next guy on the depth chart has to be ready to carry the rock till he is also carried off on a stretcher giving the thumbs up to his wife and momma.
The key to winning is getting on the waiver wire and picking the diamond in the rough, the guy who is going to produce once he is given his shot.
Last year, I had injuries, but picked up guys who produced. When Aaron Rogers went down, I picked up Ben Roethlisberger. I rode Ryan Matthews at the end of the year like he was OJ Simpson hunting Kato Kalin.
I was lucky and good.
This year I’m tuna fish left in the broiling sun.
In other words I stink.
I’ve been active in the free agency pool, looking for the diamond in the rough. But I have not chosen wisely.
Can anyone say Terrence West?
As is so often the case, I pick up a guy, play him, and he fizzles like Hugh Hefner sans Viagra.
At 1-6, it’s over.
I’m done like a bachelor party at the county jail.
I’m all ready 3 games out of contention.
Getting into the round of four will be harder than carving ice with nose hair.
I thought that maybe my rebound was going to come Monday night.
By the 4th period, I’m winning by a handful of points.
I have a defense and my opponent has a top flight running back.
I’m nervous. Rightfully nervous. But hey, last year, my defense would break the running back’s leg, pick up the loose ball and score.
But this year is this year.
I’m staring at my smartphone like it’s an illuminated Holy Grail.
Fantasy football makes you crazy. You start checking your bench to see if you started the wrong guys.
It’s a hollow feeling when you are fighting for your fantasy life and you left 10 points sitting on your bench eating Doritos and sniffing his own jock.
You Fantasy Football fanatics know what I’m talking about.
Fantasy players just watch games differently.
You root for some guys to score so other guys don’t score. You root for guys to fall down so a team stops handing off the football and kicks a field goal instead.
You don’t care about 3 points in real life. You care about six points in fantasy life.
In fantasy, almost every score helps someone. Almost every score hurts someone.
Tonight I need the Houston Defense to do something. If JJ Watt can pick up Ben Roethlisberger and bear hug his big ass into the end zone, I get points for that.
I need Houston’s defense to stop Pittsburgh. Less yards, less scores, equals more defensive fantasy points.
That’s the good news. The bad news?
Thanks to Houston’s defense, the Houston offense gets the ball back.
I’m playing against Arian Foster, Houston’s running back. If he gets yards or scores, God forbid, that hurts me.
So I’m in a catch 22.
I need Houston’s defense to be strong. But not so strong that Pittsburgh punts the ball back to the Houston offense and Arian Foster gets carries and points that hurt me in fantasy football.
So I’m rooting fantasy stupid. I’m hoping my defense scores. I love defensive points. But if they can’t score, I’m hoping they slowly let Pittsburgh move down the field to burn the clock. The more the clock runs, the less time Arian Foster has to come back on the field and hurt me.
And this is how I root.
It’s sort of disgusting.
I have trouble remembering how I use to watch football.
I think it was the early 90’s and there was no fantasy football. I watched games in their entirety. I rooted for teams and got into the flow of the contest.
Now it’s a knee jerk, stop and go traffic jam of sport.
This sadly is how millions of us now watch football.
Fantasy football does make Pittsburgh – who cares vs Houston – i could care less – way more interesting and at the same time way more laborious.
Who wants to watch a game like this? Rooting for guys to not carry the ball. Rooting for quarterbacks to hand off and not throw. Rooting for a stalled drive so your kicker gets a chance to produce some points.
I have friends who hate fantasy football for just this reason.
“I can’t root against Oakland,” my buddy says.
“I want all the Oakland Raiders to do well,” he screams.
It’s an antiquated but pristine concept.
Root for your team. Root for all the guys on your team.
“It’s too much. It’s stupid,” my buddy says swearing off fantasy football like a vampire swears off garlic.
I laugh and smile at his two sons; both of whom are in 3 leagues apiece.
Fantasy is a billion dollar industry.
I’m not sure when Fantasy became what it is now, but it is a behemoth. It’s ESPN and CBS and Fox Sports leegs.
There are shows dedicated to fantasy football. The ticker at the bottom of the screen is there simply so junkies know their field goal kicker is 1 /1 with 2 pats.
It’s like snorting meth. You do it once and you can get hooked immediately.
So I will stare at my smart phone and wonder how long I can hold on to a 55 – 52 lead with a half to go.
I have a defense. He has a star running back.
It doesn’t look promising.
But the best part of fantasy football is the fantasy. Anything can happen. Just when you think you have lost, you can win.
There can be a fumble or a player held out of the end zone or sacked for a loss.
It’s not over till it’s over.
So I will root for my defense to score. And if they can’t score, I will root for them to burn the clock with that star running back on the bench.
Last time I checked, you can’t score sitting on the bench.
Then again, there might be a league where that counts.
Fantasy Football.
Life’s Crazy™