You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Fat Ass America.
America is a societal Big Mac away from a collective heart attack.
We eat too much, we eat all the time, we eat all the wrong stuff.
If it’s smaller than a cantaloupe Americans will try to put it in their mouths.
It doesn’t even have to be digestible. I think Americans like things in their mouths. I think Americans like to chew and swallow. If there is a high caloric intake, a possible dissolving of fat nucleotides and end result of obesity, well then so much the better, right Fat America?
Every time I look up, there’s another food item that makes me say, How fat you wanna be America?
Have you seen the Wendy’s Commercials?
The burger is the size of a small Pomeranian.
Hot girls, a size one, unhinge their jaws and shove a burger into their mouths.
The ad screams – Burger = sexy.
But reality screams: Burger = coagulation = death.
That’s the transitive property of fat.
In Einsteinian dietary physics it would be called: F = EMC2 .
FAT=EXTRA MEAT COAGULANT SQUARED.
And when in doubt, the corporate dealers push bacon on us.
My God; one more bite of bacon and we will fall over like a colostomy bag of excess.
Come on people? Didn’t anyone listen to Charlton Heston when he screamed “Soylent Green is People.”
I was in the HOA work out center the other day and I thought I saw coagulated cheese slithering out of a fat man’s underarms.
What’s sad about this?
The guy on the next treadmill was actually thinking about licking his excreted cheese.
And now I learn that there is another product made from swine.
Yes, America can now clog its collective arteries with the brand new bacon flavored milk shake.
A bacon milk shake.
Why not Lard cookies?
How about we go Eskimo?
Whale Blubber and mayo sandwiches.
Yum. You don’t even have to chew it.
How fat are we America? How much stress can you put on your heart? Your heart is a garden hose trying to pass a golf ball. Sooner or later, something’s got to give.
Isn’t an ice cream flavored shake made from ice cream good enough?
In this world of super sized, big gulps, Ice Cream is now the sauce that provides bacon a foot hold to clog your heart.
Do we need to fry up a pound of bacon and slather it on top with caramel and slices of ham too?
Jeez.
Have you been to a beach lately?
America is a muffin top of disgust. Spandex waistlines pushed to excess by an expanding bellies and falling asses.
We are a dietary disaster. It’s amazing that Americans even procreate any more.
“Honey, you got that mask?”
Push away from the table, America. Don’t clean your plate, America. Put the bacon ice cream shake down, America.
There’s a reason it Oinks people. It’s a pig.
What’s next? mainlining margarine? Snorting spaghetti?
How bout Chocolate Ice Cream Flavored facial cream that you lick off each other.
Jack in the Box is the latest fast food giant getting into the unhealthy ring offering patrons a Bacon Shake.
According to the company website, the product is “made with real vanilla ice cream, bacon flavored syrup, whipped topping and a maraschino cherry,”
OK, bacon flavoring isn’t exactly chunks of oinking bacon, but still, the caloric firestorm of this meal in a cup could single handedly take down a baby panda.
According to news reports, a large 24 oz. serving has 1,081 calories, 54 grams of fat and 461 grams of sodium.
That’s the equivalent of eating a small child in Zimbabwe.
“We know our guests love bacon,” said Jack in the Box spokesperson Golda Akhgarnia. “But this has exceeded our level of expectation.”
The shake is available nationwide, she said. That’s good news for all the fat bastards from Portland Maine to Portland Tennessee to Portland Oregon.
Bacon flavored milk shakes? Where will it end? Isn’t rocky road with marshmallow M & M’s and peanut clusters enough of a heart stopper?
Why stop at bacon?
Sugar and frozen lard on a stick.
Lard-cicles.
Yum.
Apparently fat ass America can’t get enough of a fat thing. It raises the question: Will the meaty madness ever stop?
Not till every single American drops dead in a sweaty puddle of grizzled lard.
F=EMC2.
Life’s Crazy™