You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Food Fraud.
It’s not a new show by Chef Emerel Laggase, it’s a practice of food companies cutting corners on ingredients to make a buck.
A while back, abc news reported that much of the food in our house is counterfeit.
Counterfeit food? It’s so disturbing.
If you have counterfeit money, the Secret Service gets involved. Counterfeit identities, the FBI gets involved. But counterfeit food? Who do we trust on that? The FDA.
That’s like asking the overweight kid to guard the twinkies.
Please.
Soylent Green is people. Are my pringles mixed with paper?
Is my coffee partially dirt?
Are my Frosted Flakes composed of sugary cardboard.
Is it a dietary conspiracy?
The experts say, Fake Food in the grocery store is more wide spread than you might expect.
According to the American Grocery Association, 7 percent of the food supply could be laced with fraudulent ingredients.
Expensive Olive oil is reportedly mixed with cheaper vegetable oil. This seems like bad business to me.
But I guess it’s better than motor oil or skunk vomit.
The report indicates taht Pomegranate juice is mixed with grape juice? Why? How much money is that saving the company? And what is the grape jelly “cut” with? Vasoline?
They say that black pepper is cut with stems and twigs.
Really? Stems and twigs? Why not hypodermic needles from a methodone clinic?
The report indicates that tea bags are often filled with common lawn grass. Common lawn grass. Are you serious?
I’ve cut the lawn. I’ve bagged it. I’ve seen the nastiness that sticks to my socks and cakes onto the bottom side of my mower. Is that really what we are dunking in piping hot mugs in the morning?
Are you angry yet? Do you feel like the victim of some sort of aggravated assault?
The experts suggest grinding your own food.
Grind your own pepper, grind your own coffee, grind your own tea.
Should we also grind our own sausage? Grind our own burgers? Grind our own cereal?
It’s more like Grind my Gears.
Who the hell do these food companies think they are?
They’re shoving leaves and twigs and motor oil down our gullets and they are duping us because they can. It makes me want to push some food executive up the back end of a bovine.
Grind my own food?
Why not slaughter my own cow and milk my own goats and churn my own cheese.
Let’s just go all prehistoric on their sorry asses. Back to the days of the settlers. We can grow our own food and make our own food and serve our own food. Is that what they want? Let’s find out who’se “cutting” our coffee with twigs and cut them out of the economic equation.
Why don’t I bake my own bread and pickle my own pickles and mash my own mashed potatoes.
I got it, let’s stomp our own tomato paste like some sort of crazed I love Lucy episode.
You think I’m Amish?
You think I’m the damn farmer in the Dell?
I’m an angry consumer who wants his food to be 100 percent food and zero percent lawn.
If the label says apple sauce, it damn well better be 100 percent Johnny Appleseed endorsed fruit!
I don’t want castor oil or Eel oil in my Virgin Olive Oil.
If the Ketchup says whole tomatoes, then I better not find out that it has owls blood or worm slop.
What I’m saying is be honest with me. I’ll pay the price for a product that is what it purports to be.
But if I find out that the Starbucks I’m brewing is filled with petrified rat droppings, I’m gonna be pissed.
In fact, I all ready am.
Life’s Crazy™