A coffee flavored cereal, that’s crazy.
I’m watching Good Morning America recently. I’m sipping my morning cup of Joe and there are the GMA anchors going on and on about this new food product.
I take a sip and watch for a moment.
“MMMMM, I like them exclaims weather man, Sam Champion”
“AAARGGGGHHHH!,” grunted Robyn Roberts almost throwing up in her mouth. “that’s not for me, she managed to say looking for a place to spit up.”
I laugh out loud; “Good Morning America! We don’t mind the vomit. Neither should you.”
It turns out the anchors are discussing the latest “Breakfast of Champions”
What is it? you ask.
Apparently a cereal that tastes like coffee.
Yep, java flavored flakes.
I love cereal. I love my morning cup of Joe. I think I hate the idea of a coffee flavored cereal.
It reminds me of a Conan O’brien skit; “what if they mated.”
I’m just not sold on food that tastes like a beverage. I don’t want to drink a beverage that tastes like food.
Can you imagine drinking a ham and cheese shake. Yummy!
Of course you wouldn’t eat that, cause it is just plain disgusting.
According to GMA, a food inventor unveiled this coffee flavored crap at a recent food convention.
I suspect unveiling a coffee flavored cereal at a food convention is analogous to Thomas Edison showing off a little something called the light bulb.
Hooray for Electric Light. HOORAY for Coffee flakes!
That is actually the name for the new breakfast item, by the way. COFFEE FLAKES.
Essentially coffee flakes marries two food items into one.
Coffee meet cereal. Cereal meet coffee.
Apparently there is not enough time in the world anymore to actually eat a bowl of cereal while sipping a cup of coffee.
Nope, time is money and now cereal is coffee.
To eat cereal you would have to sit down with milk and a spoon and chew. To drink coffee you would have to put the mug to your lips and sip, perhaps even swallow if there were time for that.
Man, I’m exhausted just thinking about eating and chewing and swallowing and then picking up a heavy coffee mug and sipping coffee and God forbid, swallowing again.
“Someone get me the Coffee Flakes!”
The same people who are bringing you coffee flakes are also working on whiskey butter, for the Alcoholic who likes toast.
Not to be out marketed; Noxema is testing jelly bean flavored face cream that encourages children to lick your face.
Anyone for Chapstick that tastes like Metamucil. Crunchy lip protection that also promotes regular bowel movements. Now that is progress!
They say two is better than one, but two food items disguised as one food item is not necessarily better.
I’m not saying that eating cereal flavored like coffee is a bad thing, I’m just not saying that it’s a good thing.
Life is fast enough all ready. Microwave ovens and PDA’s and texting and social networking have put life in the fast lane.
My life is a full court press all ready. I feel like a race car running at red line, my tires getting in the marbles up in turn 2 and I’m dangerously close to kissing the wall.
But for those of you who will take this nation into the next millennium, then go ahead; combine all your foods. Save time. Eliminate taste. Crap, just swallow a pill.
Maybe Willy Wonka had it right. Dinner in a one size fits all tablet. Imagine the delight sucking on a life saver filled with roast beef and mash potatoes and gravy and blue berry pie for desert.
Now that’s economical calorie intake.
Just work up a glob of spit, and swallow the full course meal. No fuss, no muss, no reason to ask your dining partner was the roast beef rare enough?
“How was your pill?,” baby.
“My pill was a little crunchy. How was yours?”
“palatable, but the blue berry pie taste never did creep up my esophagus into my mouth.”
YUCK.
DAMN, You don’t even have to chew anymore.
I am not saying I hope that Coffee Flakes fails. I just hope that it doesn’t catch on.
And with that, I poured myself another cup of coffee and savored a long sip of caffeinated delight.
just for fun check out these ads for Cereal and Coffee. Back when two products were really two products: