You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
A failed flu vaccine.
You mean this flu serum that has been incubating in my body for months is no good?
Huh?
What a medical slap in the face.
I trusted you sons of guns.
I hate needles way more than I hate the flu.
I’d rather go into a clown car with kleenex carrying, nose running, high fever complaining patients. I’d rather brave the humid mist of disease, inhale deeply, and assimilate the flu into my chromosomal make up, THAN GET A SHOT.
I’ve eaten glass and broken bottles on my head.
I hate needles.
I am the guy who gets the sweats when the needle goes in and the nurse tells me to relax.
Yeah I’ll relax when you pull that cold shank out of my soul.
HEADLINE: FLU VACCINE MIGHT NOT WORK
That’s reassuring like saying the condom has a hole.
The seat belt is loose.
There’s a serial killer on the bus.
Am I pissed? Does Kim Kardashian’s ass have its own gravitational pull?
Hey you nurse-demons. I rolled up my sleeve.
You hear me vaccine vixens? I rolled up my sleeve.
I didn’t even want the damn shot.
It was free shot day at work. I mistakenly walked by the conference room on my way to get a bologna sandwich.
“Hey you want your free flu shot?” comes the shout out the door.
Suddenly 4 nurses are eye balling me, sizing me up, seeing if I got the right stuff.
Well, I ain’t no Chuck Yeager pushing the sound barrier, but I’m no chicken either.
“Uh, yeah, sure, I’ll get a shot.”
The minute I said it, I knew it was dumb.
I hate the needle. I would make a terrible heroin addict.
And worse, I think the flu shot gives you the flu.
You rub mud on your white shirt, you’re going to have to throw it in the wash, right?
Well the flu is mud. Your body is the white shirt. You inhale all that mud and you are going to have to run yourself through the medical spin cycle.
And now you people tell me that the vaccine is no good.
NO GOOD?
You nurse demons swab me down with alcohol, tell me to man up, that it might hurt, and no it’s no good!
I could have gotten more flu protection from eating glass.
Now the vaccine is no good?
I told you I don’t usually get a flu shot and you laughed at me like I was wearing a pink tutu of manliness.
“You’re smart to come in and get it,” you said.
“Yeah but doesn’t the flu shot give you the flu?,” I ask, but mostly state as fact.
Suddenly four nurses who have eaten too many cookies and consumed too much lemonade all fall about themselves.
“No. That’s a misnomer,” the nurse holding the needle says.
Now suck it up woosie, her face intimates as she grabs the meaty part of my bicep.
I watch as the needle penetrates the skin, millimeter by millimeter.
It’s like a sword going into my belly, quartering me, gutting me, gashing me in a final battle sequence of life.
I bite my lip and try to keep the tears from actually filling my eye sockets.
She pushes the needle deeper. It is 5 inches from my face.
I watch the plunger engage, the vaccine exit the cylinder and burn through the miniscule opening in the syringe.
It’s like scalding lava racing into my pores.
I close my eyes wondering how long it takes to push a dose of flu vaccine into the average man.
“Almost there,” she says adjusting the needle in my arm, like it’s a stick shift in a city bus.
I keep my eyes closed and fight the urge to wet my pants. I feel the hot flu juice squeeze through the needle and into my blood stream.
“You gonna make it?” she says pushing the final drops of vaccine out of the cartridge.
She rips the metallic barb out of my skin.
I feel like Braveheart in the final scene as he is being torn open in the town square.
“All done,” the cookie munching medical tech says.
She slaps a band-aid on my arm and hands me a cookie.
“So I’m flu proof?” I say buttoning up my shirt.
She laughs at me. In fact, they all laugh at me.
What should have been a good moment, a healthy moment, felt weird.
It was like being in a witches coven and they are practicing a spell.
Now with the vaccine in my body, all they need to take my soul is a toadstool and some mold rubbed into my eyes.
I remember the witches coven laughter resonating down the hall as I rub my sore arm, wondering if I just made a big mistake.
So who is laughing now?
Today the CDC punched us all in the eye with a hammer.
Anyone who got jabbed, poked, prodded, violated with a needle is pissed, maybe sick.
According to the CDC this year’s batch of flu vaccine fights the flu like candy fights obesity.
If you got the flu shot, you should feel like you got lied to.
I feel like I was hoodwinked by a bunch of Ex wives on a Jersey boardwalk.
What bombshell did the Centers for Disease Control drop today?
The flu vaccine works as well as a sweater in space.
The CDC’s big announcement: The flu vaccine might not work was meant with cries of anguish around the country.
Are you stupid? Are you for real?
And it’s too late to make a new vaccine, CDC director Thomas Frieden said on Thursday. But he’s still urging Americans to go and get vaccinated, according to published reports.
It doesn’t work and yo want us to go get vaccinated? With what?
Flu vaccine that doesn’t work?
I might as well main line whole milk?
How about Prego tomato paste?
What’s the freaking point.
Someone asked why this has happened.
Someone answered the flu has mutated.
I say kiss my ass.
I’ll never do the flu vaccine again.
I’ll take my chance with flu just like I do with Ebola and getting hit by a city bus full of serial killers.
It doesn’t work, but get a flu shot anyway.
Give me a damn break.
Life’s Crazy™