You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
Free Cash.
We all want it. We all dream of it. We all need it.
Have you ever looked at an armored car at the supermarket and wondered “What if?”
Have you ever held your Powerball ticket and dreamed the dream?
Have you ever dropped your clothes off at the dry cleaner and then had a bird poop on your new shirt right in front of snarky teenagers holding skateboards?
Life is about dreaming, isn’t it.
If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
“I’d wish for three more wishes,” we use to say as kids.
I always argued the Genie didn’t allow that, like there are some secret Genie rules to wishing on the bottom of the magic lamp.
“Do you think money grows on trees?” my parents use to say. I would look up in the trees and wonder.
What about Easter eggs filled with cash?
What about birthday cards with $5 bills.
Since desperadoes have been robbing stage coaches and Bonnie & Clyde holding up banks, people have dreamed of easy ways to get to Easy Street.
Dateline: SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE
It’s here that an ATM accidentally spit out $37,000.
$37,000 dollars isn’t exactly the Holy Grail, but it’ll help you buy some bologna sandwiches for the week.
The dreamer wasn’t dreaming when he pulled up to the ATM.
He was simply pulling out $140. He probably was wondering if he had $140 to pull out.
He might have been wondering if he could make that $140 dollars last the weekend.
How many ways can you split seven $20’s?
The girlfriend? The rent? The electric bill? Squirrel defense apparatus?
It goes quick, doesn’t it?
So he puts in his card. He punches ONE. FOUR. ZERO. ENTER.
BAM.
The machine starts laying down a monetary beat that would make Rolling Stones Drummer Charlie Watt groove.
$20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20….
Cha Ching. Cha Ching. Cha Ching.
The ATM starts spitting up cash like a legal tender infant with mouth full of strained spinach.
The man looks around nervously looking for robbers, bank employees, Genies holding lamps.
Nothing.
The cash comes out of the machine like a cruise chip passenger with Montezuma’s Revenge.
One thousand. Two thousand. Three thousand.
The man wanted seven $20’s.
Suddenly, he’s got the equivalent of a 370 Z in his hands.
$37,000.
He looks around nervously.
What to do? What to do?
A woman is behind him watching. Isn’t that always the case?
According to published reports, she calls 911 and reports a man spending a long time at the ATM machine.
What’s that call sound like.
Hello 911 where’s your emergency
“Yes. A man is stuffing a shopping bag full of cash. It’s taking a lot of time and I have places to go.”
When officers arrive they find him doing just that. He is stuffing the cash into a shopping bag.
Ultimately, the man returns the money. The bank doesn’t press charges. It is determined that the ATM malfunctioned because of a code error.
No harm no foul, right?
Let’s say the woman wasn’t watching? Let’s say the police weren’t called. What would you do?
Would you take the money?
I don’t think I would. First, its wrong. Second, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.
It’s hard to deny shoving $37,000 into a shopping bag.
It’s my laundry officer.
Let’s say there is no surveillance cameras?
I still say bring it back. Unless there is a big blue genie saying “No, it’s yours, really. You have 2 more wishes,” I’m walking that bag into the bank. I know I’d want the money. I got bills to pay. But I’d be nervous. Very nervous. I would be agitated like a washing machine spinning rocks.
“Ah excuse me. I have a deposit to make.”
Makes me wonder what a shopping bag stuffed with $37,000 feel like? Is it heavy? Does it smell like buttered toast in the morning, only 37 thousand times better? Is it warm and fuzzy like a blanky with a security strip.
How long does it take for $37,000 dollars to spit out of an ATM? $20 dollars at a time. That’s 1,850 transactions. If it’s my wish, I’m looking around and my brain is racing. I want the cash, but I can’t take the cash. What do I do with all this cash, oh my God what if a bad guy shows up and has a gun? What if he robs me and police think I’m part of the theft? What if the guy shoots me thinking I’m Johnny Depp’s illegitimate half brother. I don’t even know what that means. What if I just walk away and let all the cash blow into the wind?
The morale of the story?
The man returned the cash. I don’t know if he got a cash reward. Even a $100 dollars for a few minutes work is not bad employment when you can luck into it.
He wasn’t arrested and now he has the answer to many of my secret questions.
Now, if I can only dry clean the bird poop out of my shirt.
Life’s Crazy™