You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!™
A stripper shortage ANYWHERE, but especially in Dallas!
A stripper shortage? That’s like a gas shortage with decidely more silicone.
Has the lone star state lost its lone star mind?
Calling all strippers! Wax those poles.
Attention all exotic dancers! Swing your tassels.
If you can flash dance on stage with neon colored soap while juggling a boa constrictor, and flossing with a pair of panties, then you are going to want to read on.
DATELINE: DALLAS
The manager of a North Texas strip joint wants to hire at least 100 more strippers. And he says the DFW area needs 100 times that number.
Huh?
That’s right. This pusher of pulchritude says there is an exotic dancer shortage plaguing Dallas-Fort Worth because of the upcoming Super Bowl XLV.
A Stripper shortage?
Are you starving people in Mogadishu listening?
Hey Haitian Boat People, I hope your neck doesn’t break from carrying that 80 pound bag of rice. Hey Ugandan refugees excited by a decreased malaria count in the town water supply, have you heard the news: Dallas is having a stripper shortage. Doesn’t that suck?
And you wonder why the rest of the world hates us?
Now I have no problem with young women earning an honest wage set to a neon beat, but I do have a problem with slimy car salesmen like douche bags puffing up their chests claiming they are woefully short on dancers.
Who even says something so absurd?
John Walsh that’s who. Who is John Walsh, well he is only the manager of Showtime Cabaret somewhere in Texas. He tells the investigative branch of TMZ (PAUSE FOR THOUGHT ON THAT ONE) that he currently employs 50 dancers but needs as many as 70 more.
50 DANCERS + 70 DANCERS! Well that’s a lot of gyrating body parts all dancing to Motely Crue’s Girls Girls Girls.
70 dancers is one thing. But 10,000? Where will 10,000 cosmetically enhanced wonder women sleep?
Who will feed them and bathe them and look after their many needs?
Are there enough hotel rooms in DFW? or will they drive down in a wave of pink Winnebagos from stripping hot beds like Sheboygan and Des Moisnes and Paducah?
Will there be so many strippers that girls are fighting for customers like two alley cats licking a can of tuna. Will the economic principals of too much supply and tepid demand dictate 50-cent lap dances?
It sure is an investigation that needs to be massaged carefully.
Now here’s the jaw dropper people. According to TMZ – Walsh says, not only is he understaffed, but Dallas Fort Worth is woefully devoid of strippers. He says the city needs another 10,000 exotic dancers to infiltrate his city like so much bacteria filling a petri dish.
Really? 10,000 exotic dancers.
Are there even 10,000 exotic dancers in all of America? Will Dallas be forced to cross the border, hiring donkey show rejects out of Tijuana? What about snow bunnies from Canada? Better start putting up fliers for pole dancers in Greyhound Bus Stations and Methadone clinics and the local YMCA.
Will the quality of women be so atrophied that the Dallas health department rejects strippers like restaurants that store meat at improper temperatures.
Arlington city officials said they expect to host 300,000 visitors during Super Bowl weekend, which puts the tourist-to-stripper ratio at about a hearty 30:1.
Nice Factoid Arlington Chamber of Commerce, but do you really think all 300,000 tourists are going to go to Ken’s Gold Club simultaneously.
A good chunk of that crowd wears a dress. A portion of that group is called nana. The rest are fathers and husbands and losers on a three day bender.
So let’s say that every single man is willing to throw a few Benjamins up on the stage, the question is, how many wives, girlfriends and significant others are going to let Larry Leisure tuck the rent money into “Apolonia’s” thigh highs?
I am all for strippers and for fair trade. I mean how else are we going to balance the books with China? But honestly, when one city says it needs 10,000 strippers it makes me wonder.
Who sanctioned this absurd PR campaign? Hugh Hefner hopped up on Cialis?
Imagine if the Dallas Chamber of Commerce had the balls to put out the call for 10,000 teachers or nurses. Now that would be a press release worth reading.
And that is crazy.