You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
The line up for the Bonnaroo Music Festival.
It’s 3 names I know, and a flotilla of bands that sound like a cat coughing up a hairball.
For those of you who don’t know, Bonnaroo is a four day music festival in Manchester, Tennessee. It’s on a big farm off 1-24 about an hour South East of Nashville.
Bonnaroo is woodstock with stronger pot.
It’s the Monterey Jazz festival with cash machines and cyber cafes.
The four day festival is a chance to show case your boobs, not bathe and listen to music from every walk of life.
Bonnaroo i’s marijuana smoke, hash brownies and wild debauchery.
The festival is a mud fest on a farm in the middle of nowhere, an exit ramp off I-24. It’s a venue in the heart of the Tennessee summer that draws music lovers from Canada to New York.
Bonnarroo is a quagmire of sweat and humidity and filth. It’s freedom of expression and music all day long.
It’s a kids who call themselves hipsters packing the farm by the tens of thousands.
It’s been 14 years since this music extravaganza began. We use to cover it with live reports. Now it’s barely a mention, unless someone dies, which usually happens every year.
The festival announced its line up today, 125 bands and 20 comic acts performing on 13 stages.
In the past, there have been monster line ups.
This year the musical assortment is a box of chocolate, that’s been left on radiator, and licked by the dog.
There’s one candy you want and the rest of the box is a hit and miss. The problem is, you have to eat the entire box to find the chocolate that you like.
That’s this year’s Bonnaroo.
You’ve all heard of Sir Elton John. He’ll be there. For me, he’d be the candy I want.
Kanye West will also be there. He’s an Ass h*** who thinks he is talented and is not afraid to tell you about it, but he is popular.
And there are a couple of other names you might recognize, Like Jack White.
But for the price they charge?
I think it’s a rip off.
The line up is more obscure than the name of the Zamboni driver at the Olympics.
How convoluted is this lineup?
Imagine Siegfried and Roy mud wrestling Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Imagine under arm hair on women.
Imagine taco flavored eye liner.
Imagine dried mud in the crack of your ass for 4 days.
Now you are starting to get the picture.
Bonnaroo this year is Lionel Richie. A washed up, has been.
Jack White is a name I’d pay to see, but not on a farm, in the mud, while birthing a cow.
After Elton John and Jack White, it’s a ketchup bottle dropped from the Empire State Building, exploding all across the sidewalk.
It’s a crime scene of music, bloodied and bludgeoned. It’s a drive by shooting of musical anonymity.
The Bonaroo Web Site touts the other groups like Vampire Weekend, The Avett Brothers, Phoenix, Skrillex.
It’s a whose who of whose that?
I get it, I’m old and you might be more musically sagacious. If that’s the case, hooray for you, write your own blog.
But in my opinion, an opinion forged on Led Zeppelin and Rolling Stones and AC/DC, the majority of the acts are question marks wrapped in stale cheese.
The Arctic Monkeys are slightly un-anonymous. They are frozen and simian and I like that. The Flaming Lips are a nice body part. They flame and they are soft. I like that too.
But by and large the festival is musical quick sand.
“And now taking the stage, the enigmatic ramblings of Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds.” Yes that is the group’s name.
I don’t know whether to vomit or wipe more mud in my eyes.
Some of the bands have names that make you scratch your head. Neutral Milk Hotel. I like this band’s name because they sound wholesome and full of Vitamin D.
Wiz Khalifa makes me think this is a good time to go take a Wiz Khalifia.
And then there’s the one name wonder bands who might be more interesting if they combined forces: Disclosure Zedd Chromeo. Yes that is the name of 3 distinctly different bands, none of whom I have ever heard of.
There’s Ice Cube and Slightly Stoopid who is slightly stupid.
There’s Fitz & the Tantrums and Cake and Group Love.
There’s Chance the Rapper and Dr. Dog Little Dragon.
The names are better than the music.
ZZ Ward will be there. I’d know their music if they were ZZ Top.
First Aid Kit is playing. Perhaps they will offer free band aids to band members with scraped knees.
Caveman will playing. So will Mastodon. Perhaps one band will attack the other with spears on stage.
I know I’m old. I know I’ve just insulted 123 bands because I only know the really old piano player. And that’s why I will keep my hard earned cash in my pocket that weekend.
But for 10’s of thousands of sweaty, muddy, youthful music enthusiasts, Bonnarroo is the right medicine for what ails them.
And that’s what makes America great.
Life’s Crazy™