You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy. Shoving water logged hot dogs into your mouth, one after another like a train of mystery meat entering a flesh tunnel.
Not only is it crazy, but it is disgusting, and at the same time compelling. Like watching a car wreck in slow motion. Like watching the Challenger disaster over and over. Like watching Mo poke Curly in the eyes repeatedly. It’s wrong, but it feels so right.
The 4th of July is a time to celebrate America’s Independence, and give thanks for a multitude of freedoms other people on this planet cannot even fathom. We enjoy the freedom to peacefully gather and to express our views or our religious beliefs.
This is quite easily the most disgusting competitions that TV can cover. And they cover it like NASCAR covers a race.
ESPN had tiny cameras strapped to competitor’s mouths bringing unbelievably vital shots of teeth and lips and saliva splashing into your living room. Shots of hot dog goo was broadcast so close up it looked like a tornado of dog food being whipped in a mouth blender. The visuals were appalling as they documented juices dribbling and meat parts falling and contestants sweating and all manner of hideousness being broadcast in clarity so vivid your cat would try and jump through the screen to paw at the dreck.
As the elliptical pulsed with energy I created, I began to become lost in the strangely hypnotic food competition.
The clock was counting down from ten minutes and the insane fury was on. Elbows flying and contestants gyrating and double fisted thrusts of hot dog bun and pinkish meat into open mouths oozing with grossness. It was disgusting, nauseating. It was like a lunch meat version of water boarding.
I was laughing and gagging out loud while I watched. The thought of biting into a hot dog was suddenly as appetizing as licking my own butt.
And there was the Nathan’s Logo plastered on everything. Nathan’s on the TV screen, and on the table cloth lining the stage, and even stenciled Nathan’s logos affixed to the competitors themselves.
The crowd was going nuts as the ten minutes began to wind down and the dog action began to heat up.
It soon became clear that this was a two man race. And the two champions were in the center of the stage, side by side tearing up hot dogs like a wood shredder eats a log.
The American Joey Chestnut was the crowd favorite. A stout young lad who was put on this planet to inhale food into a stomach that has the elasticity of a hefty bag. But the man to his left, was a human food processor. His name; Takeru Kobayashi, pound for pound the most ferocious eater in all the world. The Japanese man is nicknamed the Tsunami for good reason. He contorts and twists and creates spaces in his tiny frame that he literally stuffs food into. He is like a Japanese cow with multiple stomachs which gives a speed eater a distinct advantage over the competition.
The crowd was going nuts and the announcers even more frenetic.
PLAY BY PLAY GUY: Is Chestnut still your eater?
Chestnut with 63. Koybashi is still 2 behind with 61.
And then the whistle sounds and Chestnut throws his Arms up in the air in triumph. He is exhausted and sweaty and delighted. The last of the 68th hot dog is sticking out of his lips.
Kobyashi is more like a ballet. He is smooth and rhythmic.
As if we haven’t seen enough, the broadcast shows slow motion replays. This is like watching hippos in child birth. it is terribly difficult to observe. Their mouths are filled with soggy buns and unchewed meat. How they breathe is anyone’s guess.
The announcer will go on to tell us that a petite young woman also set a world record. I am unclear how many dogs she ate, but I am informed at a previous competition she ate 10 percent of her body weight in Cheese Cake. Impressive. Gross, but impressive.
Chestnut said he was savoring victory just two minutes into the dog fight, after downing 23 dogs. “After the second minute I knew my body was cooperating,” Chestnut said. “It was such a good day. I’ve never eaten that many before.”
ESPN repeatedly showed highlights all day long. At one point breaking it down to the absurd telling us who ate the most hot dogs in the final minute of the competition. ESPN reports Chestnut at 5 while Kobayashi downed 3-and-a-half.
All in all, it was one of the best workouts I can remember. I was so mentally transfixed on the competition, I forgot that I was working out.
Thanks ESPN!