You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy. Reading about the way things use to be.
A relative sent me this email. It was one of those forwarded things that has been around the world a thousand times.
As you know from my earlier posts; I normally disregard forwarded emails. I don’t vouch for a single thing on this page, but it sure is interesting reading:
The email starts out this way:
THE YEAR 1909
- The average life expectancy was 47 years.
- Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
I imagine it was one stinky ass world. 14-percent of homes had a bathtub, but how many used them regularly. We have a house with multiple bath tubs and I still can’t get my 10 year old to bathe in any of them. Can you imagine; 86% of homes without bathtubs. I am guessing grooming in 1909 meant maybe bathing on a Saturday night and brushing your teeth with spit. Man that is nasty. I’ve seen cleaner homeless people. I’ll take 2009 any day.
- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone
That means 92% of the homes had no phone. In today’s world, most homes have a phone, and most people in each home have a cell phone. I have a cell phone. My wife has a cell phone. My teenagers have cell phones. My ten year old has a major chip on his shoulder because he has yet to be given a cell phone. When the hell did getting a phone become a right of passage? It’s not in the parental handbook as far as I can tell. I can tell you this, the average phone bill was more manageable in 1909.
- There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph
10 miles an hour? I can’t do 10 miles an hour in my driveway. I can walk faster than 10 miles an hour. Why even have a car if you are only going to go 10 miles and hour. Maybe you are only driving 10 Miles an hour because you are driving on dirt. Can you imagine a country this big with only 144 miles of paved roads. Sadly, the people in Appalachia think it still is 1909.
- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower
I’m sure the French were so Proud. They once were a nation with the tallest structure and the smelliest citizens. Sadly, they are still the smelliest people on Earth.
- The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
The next time you bitch about your boss, your job, your financial situation, imagine making 22 cents an hour. Laotian sweat shops are paying toothless automatons more than this.
- More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
I almost passed out in a hospital watching the birth of my children. There were professional people prepared of for anything, and I was still freaking out. 1909 would blow my mind. Imagine your wife birthing a fluid filled human being onto the ottoman? My God that is a rough image. I wonder what year the carpet shampoo machine was invented.
- Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
This is still true in some parts of Alabama and West Virginia.
- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Now we’re paying 2 bucks for a bottle of Dasani water out of a hotel drink dispenser. My grandmother would roll over in her grave if she knew that I pay for bottled water. In fact my kids won’t even drink water from the tap. They actually asked me if it was safe to do so. Man that’s sad.
- Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
I think this is still the rule for the hookers who work the block around my business.
- Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
I get Heart Disease and Pneumonia, but Diarrhea, the 3rd leading cause of death? Are you serious? A case of the runs is the third leading cause of death in this country? If that was the case now, frat boys would be dropping dead all over America.
- The American flag had 45 stars.
That’s fine by me. I still can’t find Rhode Island, Maryland and New Hampshire on a map. And really, do you even care about North or South Dakota. Screw it. 45 states works just fine.
- The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!
30? I’ve seen more illegal aliens crammed into a mini van sneaking over the border. I’ve seen more sorority girls in the same bathroom stall. I’ve seen more call girls working a bar at the MGM? I guess if there are only 30 people in Vegas; the slogan: what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, really doesn’t mean all that much, huh?
- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn’t been invented yet.
I don’t care much about the cross word puzzles and ice tea, but how did the poor bastards in 1909 survive without canned beer? This was my only food group in college. And around the holidays, when we were done with the cans, we would flip the top, and put them the Christmas tree instead of ornaments. Coors Light cans double a wonderful tinsel. Budweiser’s blue and red and white almost make you think the tree is twinkling, that is if you drink enough of the decorations.
- There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
That’s fine by me since I feel like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are fabricated, money driven, Hallmark Card induced extravaganzas.
- Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.
That is still a working statistic for the NBA and the DMV.
- Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..
Those 6 percent went on to lucrative occupations like donkey dung shoveling, puss sucking, and paper boy delivery supervisor.
- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health
Now you have to go to your local high school to get these same drugs with less FDA interference.
- Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
In my household I am 100 percent of the domestic help and the backbone of indentured servitude.
- There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A.
Now there are 230 homicides where toaster ovens are the murder weapon. There are 230 murders where the victims scrotums were cut off and hung on the killer’s rear view mirror like dice. Now there are 230 murders where the motive given to investigators is: “His after shave made me snap!” 230 murders? There were that many in New Orleans during Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street.
The email ends by saying ;Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
Interesting proposition. 2109. what would it be like?
- Larry King will be 300 years old.
- Barry Bonds bloated head will finally be inducted into the baseball hall of fame.
- A petri dish full of DNA will be elected President of the North American Territories.
- A dog will perform open heart surgery.
- Marriage will be practiced only by Himalayan Sherpas. Everyone else will date like it is a Girls Gone Wild Video in Mazatlan.
- TV’s will be items only found in museums. Movies and entertainment will be injected directly into the cerebral cortex for extra rush.
- Airplane travel is a thing of the past. People take rocket planes from New York to Japan in 45 minutes. During the flight, there is a period of six minutes when passengers experience weightlessness. During this six minutes, passengers are encouraged to have weightless sex. For men in 2109, they only need one minute for weightless sex and use the extra 5 minutes to brag about how virulent they are in bed. They say nobody can hear a dissatisfied woman laugh in the vacuum of space.
Enjoy 2009 everyone. There are many splendid things that are happening. Keep your eyes open to it all and I suggest living each day to the fullest regardless of how old you are.