You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
650 million dollars.
That’s what one lucky winner could take home if they match all the numbers in the Mega Millions lottery jackpot.
$650 million dollars.
The number is so big, so incongruous with normal thought, that it is almost impossible to digest.
Most of us think in hundreds of dollars, maybe thousands of dollars.
Millions is plausible, but hundreds of millions?
Most of us wouldn’t know what to do with 600 million dollars, though I ‘m sure most of us would like to learn.
According to lottery officials, there are about 259 million number combinations in play.
That means you are not going to win.
Trust me. If you are reading this you will not win. Get up. Go to work. Be nice to your boss.
But.
What if you did win?
That’s the beauty of one dollar. For one dollar, right up to the moment those balls start exiting the glass sphere, you too can dream the dream.
You can dream about Ferrari’s and mansions and yachts.
I love when news people get involved in these big drawings.
They feel compelled to tell us what our odds of winning are.
It’s not enough to say “you have a one in 259,000,000 chance of winning, now on to weather.”
Nope.
News people like to equate winning the lottery to shark attacks and chances of dying in a plane crash.
Here at the life’s crazy news desk, we plan to take your chances of winning to a new extreme of stupid.
we have not consulted any mathematicians, nor have I even picked up a calculator or even thought about this for more than a nano second.
The following odds are brought to you by the society for creative thought and meandering fiscal responsibility.
You have a better chance of being killed by a vending machine.
You have a better chance of suffocating inside a styrofoam cup.
You have a better chance of riding a unicorn to the dentist.
You have a better chance of double dating with the Pope.
You have a better chance of pooping christmas lights out of your “bun”.
You have a better chance of being interviewed by Barbara Walters in a submarine.
You have a better chance of performing a heart transplant with a spork
you have a better chance of having sex with Mrs Claus on December 24th while Santa is working.
You have a better chance of belly dancing on the space shuttle.
You have a better chance of smoking a Camel with a camel.
You have a better chance of starring in your own porno in a Pakistani prison.
you have a better chance of carpeting your house with the back hair of a Persian Prince
You have better chance of dancing with turkey’s who can can gobble the alphabet backward
you have a better chance of water skiing on sharks with a.d.d.
you have a better chance of throwing a touch down pass to Albert Einstein in a black hole.
you have a better chance of driving a Cadillac made out of ham steaks through a pack of hyenas.
you have a better chance of finding a diamond ring in the urinal of a Russian subway station.
You have a better chance of being probed by aliens who come out of your smoke detector.
You have a better chance of getting a call from the White House telling you how to make toast.
You have a better chance of flying a kite in a sleeping bag.
You have a better chance of sitting down to dinner with Batman and Bruce Wayne at the same time.
you have a better chance of farting a rainbow out of your ass.
You have a better chance of calculating the odds of 1 in 259 million than actually winning.
And there you have it.
It’s a dream.
It costs a dollar.
It’s a chance to visualize beach front property and umbrella drinks and red sports cars and thong bikinis.
The drawing is Tuesday night.
And the winners are: Two lucky bastards from San Jose California and Atlanta Georgia.
Now we can hate them.
I would say the odds are good you won’t win.
But hey.
You can’t surf on the back of an angry unicorn either, right.
don’t quit your day job, but feel free to dream a little dream.
Life’s Crazy™