You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.
“I get all my news from Twitter,” someone recently told me.
They smiled. They were proud. They had the look of an erudite basset hound that had successfully lifted their leg and urinated on the correct mail box post.
“You get all your news from Twitter? I asked incredulously.
That’s like saying I get all my potable water from the fecal reclamation pond.
“Do you trust everything you get from Twitter?,” I ask suspiciously.
The person is young and knows everything there is to know.
“Yes. It’s not biased or sifted through a bunch of news managers. It’s real.”
I look at this meat ball of good intentions.
And the Easter Bunny lays chocolate eggs, I think to myself.
I smile and think about what he said. This is the future of the world.
“With Fake News CNN and Right Wing Fox and Conspiracy theory MSNBC. Yeah, this is pure and uncensored,” he adds.
Pure and uncensored.
That sounds like biased and uncorroborated to me.
I’m not a big Twitter guy. So I decided to take a look.
In no particular order, my feed is filled with glossy images of lampoonish drek.
The randomness of the spontaneity and incessant regurgitant is repulsive, yet addictive.
Like desultory spinach vomited into the ether, a vast array of topics explode upon my iPhone.
I marvel at the aggressive headlines that command attention and convince me that what I am looking at is pure, unfiltered, REAL NEWS.
The first image is golden delicious French fries. The headline: You should only eat 6 fries per serving. Harvard professor says.
I immediately spit up in my mouth. My first thought? 6 French Fries? Why even bother. That’s like putting on a condom to make sure it fits. When I do French Fries, I want the potato lobby to stand beside me and applaud every chew, every delectable morsel that my mouth consumes. 6 Fries? That’s culinary terrorism. And you know what I say to that? We cannot let the terrorists win. If we eat 6 fries, our way of life has been destroyed.
Next on the Twittosphere: Mike Mitchell says: The media never tires of lying about Hilary Clinton. Chris Matthews says, she obviously doesn’t like President Carter. She’s sitting right next to him and hasn’t said one word to him. So I rewound and found this. The video shows Hillary Clinton touching the 90 year old Ex President and laughing like a Secretary of State whose private server is filled with Donald Trump bathroom noises in a Russian Whore House. My 1st thought? Perception is reality. You can bend the message to say just about anything you want it to say with the right caption and inflection. One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
I will say Twitter, right out of the gate, is a conjecture a minute. It’s a place for random people to float out unsubstantiated trial balloons. Anonymous people with a closet full of inuendo and political baggage try and guess what Mrs. Obama is thinking about Mrs. Trump. Once they coral the proper tone, then they hit send and launch this foul gossip gas into the blather. It comes to my phone, unsolicited. It is read, and digested and re-tweeted. Unfortunately, most of America has the mental capacity of Beavis and Butt Head so much of what they see is confused as news and disseminated as such.
My 1st thought? Twitter and most social media platforms have multiple applications that can be used for good and to inform. But Twitter, simply retweeted, unchecked, is like a fire raging up a mountain filled brush, fueled by wind. It’s dangerous.
CNN has a TWEET. It’s about Waymo and the first self driving car. OK. That’s interesting. My first thought is why bother? If you are going to drive, then drive. Put on some racing gloves and gun that engine. I was brought up in a world where a car was a car, not a hammock with wheels. Come on America, get off your lazy ass and drive. I just read where a man was arrested for DUI. He was apparently asleep at the wheel while his smart car drove for miles at 70 mph. Ridiculous.
DAILY NEWS JOURNAL: Fatal Fire closes all lanes of I-24 in Rutherford County. Smoke is billowing off the interstate on TDOT’s SmartWay Camera. Now this is important, vital, and unsanitized. I trust this image. I know not to take I-24 and I know that somewhere, someplace, a truck driver’s final time clock is punched. I hope he had the good sense to know that life is finite and say all the right things to all the right people before he left for work.
JIMMY KIMMEL He shows a clip with Jennifer Aniston. She’s hot and ageless. No matter how stupid Jimmy Kimmel is, I will watch this flirtacious moment with the sound down. First thought, how does she remain so perky?
BBC NEWS: Ohio dad makes girl walk miles to school for bullying on a bus. Personally, I don’t care. Parent now-a-days are wimps. Political Correctness is pervasive. My 1st thought? Walk you little bitch. Quit bullying other girls. Way to go dad! I remember getting the belt to my ass one night after I ran across the street in New York City. My dad explained to me why I was in big trouble. Then he hit my ass with the belt. It was 1968 or some such date. It was a different time when pregnant women smoked unfiltered Camel Cigarettes, guzzled Bombay Gin from the bottle and used sand paper as a shower loufa. Personally, I don’t care that a girl walked to school. Boo F-in Hoo.
PAUL JOSEPH WATSON: Hello LGBT. Meet Islam. My first thought. Gay Islamic people parading around on camera dragging rainbow floats doesn’t bother me. But I’ve been to Saudi Arabia. Chop Chop Square is a real thing. Intolerance is a real freakin thing. If I am from that part of the world and I’m coming out, I’d pull my burka down real low over my face and get some big Mr. Magoo sized sunglasses.
ASSOCIATE PRESS: A British woman sailing solo in a round the world race is being rescued after losing her mast and being knocked unconscious in a viscious storm: My first thought? You bumbling bitch. What an embarrassment. Grab a mop and swab the decks you filthy scowl. I know this is mean and contrary to everyone should win an award for participation, but I’m grumpy and since the AP is reporting this, and this is about the only source I trust so far, I decide to vomit my first thought into the ether. Sorry British Lady with a migraine and no sail boat. Do better next time.
INDUCT JANET JACKSON: Janet Jackson should pass 200,00o vote mark by tomorrow for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 1st thought? Janet Who? You mean Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson’s sister, from the 80’s? Like irrelevelence personified? The Janet Jackson whose song library is IF YOU’VE HEARD ONE SONG YOU’VE HEARD EM ALL. Don’t vote. Don’t care.
CNN: EXCLUSIVE. New Satellite images reveal activity at a previously unknown North Korean Missile Base, underscoring the divide with the US on denuclearization. My 1st thought? There they go again? Maybe not fake news, but biased news. CNN breaks a story; an EXCLUSIVE. Then in the very next sentence they politicize it with an opinion that it “UNDERSCORES THE DIVIDE WITH THE U.S. ON DENUCLEARIZATION” Who says that? If you really want to be taken seriously, present the facts and let me decide if your facts are clear and believable. Only then will I as an informed human decide if the world is going to hell in a crock pot. FAKE NEWS.
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: Is the Steeler’s Season Slipping Away? My first thought? Is this Click Bait? The team is leading its division and high potency like a British Soccer Team on Viagra. I think it’s a slow day at Sports Illustrated.
ABC NEWS: The nation bids its final farewell as former President George H.W. Bush is honored with a funeral service in Texas. My 1st thought? George Bush is a good man and deserves this resuscitation of his biography. But let’s be clear; the 41st President was often vilified by the media and half the country for his policies. He was derided for his folksy vernacular and sing song grasp of the English language. And only now, at the end of his life, is he remembered for the Patriotic Bad Ass that he was. A Hero, A President, A man of unparalleled dedication to service and his family. My 2nd thought? Everyone comparing the 41st President to the 45th President, Save yourself the trouble. I’m hardly interested in what you think.
TENNESSEAN: What’s your favorite Christmas Movie? Help us narrow down the list. My 1st thought? Debbie Does Dallas. Does that count. It always put a little extra stuffing in my stocking.
NY TIMES: HARD KNOCK LIFE: WHAT ARE THE TURTLES TELLING ME? It shows a turtle looking at its own reflection in the mirror. My 1st thought? Why is this a thing? It’s so convuluded, I almost need to click on it to learn more. I decide the turtle is cute, and what the story is about is irrelevant and not worth the click.
THE WASHINGTON POST: Pantone hopes it’s “life-affirming” color of the year will make everyone feel better. My 1st thought? Where do I sign up to punch the author of this post in the face. What color will his nose turn when my knuckles intercept the soft bulbous mess of his nose? The color is described as Living Coral. (as opposed to decomposing coral) My 2nd thought? Who has the time for this absurdity.
PAUL JOSEPH WATSON: How am I only just finding out about Arnold Schwarzenegger saying he’d go back in time as the Terminator to stop the discovery of fossil fuels. Jesus Wept. My 1st thought? If I could back in time? I would either go back to Hitler’s Birth and push his cradle into the path of an oncoming train. OR I’d go back to Sunday morning, go to a Vegas Sports Book and do a 12 team NFL parlay and win every game. I would delight in walking up to the cashier and saying “how do you like me now, bitch”
THE DAILY CALLER: Clinton Foundation Whistleblower is getting some backup other whistleblowers are whistleblowing for their fellow whistleblower. My first thought? The Daily Caller has used up its allotted uses of the word Whistleblower.
USA TODAY: It was a bad morning for everyone named Ryan. The biggest Golden Globes Snubs for 2019. Ryan Gosling… My first thought? He’s banging it all the way to the bank. Golden Globes are an elitist organization celebrated by rich snobs who want to reward themselves. This Tweet Post makes me want to punch USA Today in the face.
BRET BAIER: We cannot spend our way into greatness. Part of making America a freer, more prosperous, more secure nation requires that twe get our national debt under control. $21,824,097,352,309 My first thought? What the hell number is that? My 2nd thought? If I am even $25 over drawn in my checking account, I freak out. My 3rd thought? What the F is so hard about balancing the books in this great country of ours? We need to tighten our belt, we need to get the fiscal mess under control and we need to quit giving people handouts who don’t deserve it. Sounds harsh? It’s Twitter News.
NBC NEWS: A statute designed and funded by the Satanic Temple of Chicago is on display in the statehouse in Illinois, along with a Christmas tree, nativity scene and a Menorah. My 1st thought? More political correctness gone off the rails. If I was king of the world, the Satanic Temple of Chicago could suck my ass, and go show their statue of Evil or Satan in a burning dumpster inside of a camel’s rectum. Just saying…
GORDON BELT: The number of people who stand ready to consume one’s time, to no purpose, is almost countless. Booker T Washington. My 1st thought? I’m not sure why someone named Gordon Belt felt compelled to post this by Booker T Washington, but it seems like Gordon Belt has wasted my time for no purpose. And, I, in turn wasted your time with no purpose. Countlessly awesome!
CHUCK WOOLERY: For the last 2 years it has always been Trump and us against the Establishemnt. They don’t respect the will of the people and they certainly don’t like Trump. My 1st thought? Chuck Woolery? isn’t that the guy who use to turn letters on Wheel of Fortune? No that’s Vanna White. Chuck Woolery, he was the host of another nameless game show that airs on the who cares network. 2nd thought? It’s America and everyone has an opinion like an A**hole, but honestly, see the Booker T Washington quote above…
BREIBART NEWS: Seven Spielberg: Collective Hate worse today than when Schindler’s List Debuted. My 1st thought? Humans have always been evil and stupid. Cavemen were barbaric. Men were cruel during the crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. Humans have a history of behaving badly. Savagery, dastardly acts, insanity, despicable disgust. Humans have always been capable of hate and intolerance. Spielberg’s opinion on humanity’s decay has as much meaning to me as the homeless dumpster diver down at the projects who has free internet access at the public library.
MATTHEW DOWD: So many in the media just repeat myths without ever fact checking. My 1st thought? Yep. Just like you, you media whore.
LUMEN: Lumen is the first ever free dating app specifically designed for over 50’s. create a profile in one minute and meet like minded people in your area. First Thought? Go to a bar, and do it old school you lazy bastards.
So there you have it. I could go on forever. Twitter is an interminable cesspool of facts sprinkled onto a pizza made of opinions and leaps of faith.
My advice? Enjoy Twitter at your own reality risk.