You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy.™
Trick or treaters.
How hard is it to say Trick or Treat?
How hard is it to ring a doorbell?
Do I live in a neighborhood driving the short bus?
I have kids who bang on the glass door. They are like thirsty pirates slinging fifths of Jim Beam.
AAARRRGGHHH.
They are dressed like football players and little princesses and black spiders with wings.
The could say trick or treat, but instead they stand there, with their plastic Halloween pails, waiting for me to hand them candy and good cheer.
They are like little hob goblins of socialism.
Trick or treat. Say it. Say it.
They stand there, peering at me, just waiting for a handout. This is a suburban bread line and they feel like I owe them something.
I have been doing this for damn near half a century tiny people.
All you gotta do is say the magic words: Trick or Treat.
A group of young people just sang Rudolph the red nosed reindeer to me. It was awkward. They were awkward. I wanted to spray them with Schlitz Malt Liquor.
Unfortunately I didn’t have any ghetto juice.
I just gave candy to a dog wearing a bumble bee costume. The dog growled trick or treat. Even the damn bumble bee dog gets it.
So I’m giving away top dollar confections and I’m getting nothing in return.
This feels like the end of a bad marriage. All give and no get.
How hard is it to learn the rules.
Rule 1: Wear a costume. You don’t rub dirt on your face and borrow your dad’s gym shirt and call yourself a hobo.
Do something creative, throw some color on your face, a wig on your head, a costume on your tiny frame.
Earn your keep kids.
Rule 2: you step on the stoop and ring the door bell. You don’t throw rocks at the window and serenade me. I am not Juliet and you are not Romeo. Get it? Ring the bell. It’s the little glowing button attached to the bricks beside the door.
Rule 3: I open the door and you say trick or treat. Does nobody out there understand how a door works? I push it open and you step back. I am getting tired of smacking little demon faced kids in the face with a glass door. Is it that complicated? Doesn’t your mom or dad own a door? does it open and close like others you see at Home Depot? Or do you live in a tent?
Jeez.
and finally, Rule 4: Say thanks. It’s not like candy is expensive, but I am giving up valuable bar time with the bros, the ho’s or the joes. I don’t even know what that means. I probably was going to be alone anyway, because my Halloween costume is my face.
I’m not sure what that means.
So there you have it. This is my Halloween Rules of etiquette.
learn them. live them. love them.
Happy Halloween.
Life’s Crazy™