You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy™
The Peanut Allergy Princess.
It’s Halloween 2015.
It’s 6pm. It’s Dark. It’s chilly and rainy.
The door bell is beginning to ring regularly.
Little hob goblins and store bought miscreants are standing on my stoop.
My door bell is loud and pronounced.
DING DONG.
My bell rings so infrequently through the year, even though I know they are coming, the sudden blast of the augmented chimes frightens me.
My body reacts like OH MY GOD. WHAT’S THAT? WHOSE THERE? IS IT THE SHERIFF? A BILL COLLECTOR? A BIBLE THUMPING MAGAZINE SALESMAN?
GO AWAY I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING.
Then I realize. Halloween. Calm down boy.
I open the glass door and stare at the children.
They are Darth Vaders and Storm Troopers and Princesses and Minions.
“Hi kids,” I say holding my candy bucket filled with caramel goo, secretly glad nobody has a warrant for my arrest.
The children stare at me with big eyes, somewhat unsure what comes next.
I stare at their parents on the sidewalk.
They are holding red solo cups and they are watching with tepid interest.
“Hey mom and dads,” I feel like screaming.
“Did anyone warn these children how this should work? Did anyone take a moment and say “hey princess. Ring the Bell. Then take a step back so the man can open the door. Then when he comes out on the stoop, you say in unison, in a big scary voice, TRICK OR TREAT! Then you open the bag in front of you. Give the man with candy something to aim for, some way to put candy in your bag.”
PLEASE HOLD OPEN YOUR CANDY RECEPTACLE! IT WILL MAKE THIS PROCESS SO MUCH MORE EFFICIENT.
Instead it is dawn of the dead. I am looking at mutant children with brains sautéed in cat nip and propophyl.
CAN ANYONE SAY: GO TO SLEEP KING OF POP; I’LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
I am holding a bowl in one hand, and holding two pieces of candy in the other. I am being stared at by a group of adults on the sidewalk and dealing with a horde of children with closed bags before me.
It is a laboriously slow process.
“Good night, have fun,” I say closing the door.
I stare at the World Series on my screen.
When did kids get so dumb? I think to myself. I had way more street smarts. Even as a six year old, I knew this was free candy. The quicker I work, the easier I work the door, the more doors I could hit. The more doors I hit the more candy I have.
I was 6 years old. It ain’t that complicated.
Then my Halloween moment arises.
Ding Dong.
It’s another pack of whatever standing before me.
It’s store bought plastic capes and scary masks and an over coat that screams “I’m gonna wear this Monday at the bus stop.”
There’s a muted Trick or T…..
It dies off.
I don’t care. This is my 52nd Halloween as either a kid, a drunk, or a dad handing out high priced chocolates.
And then I hear something I’ve never ever heard.
“TRICK OR TREAT. I HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY.”
I stare at the princess before me.
Perhaps she is 11 or 12. It’s hard to tell with all that pink fru fru dripping off her face.
I pause. I feel the entire stoop of children staring at me. I feel the parents lower their solo cups from their lips to see how I react to this potentially deadly medical scenario.
Suddenly Halloween just got real.
BOO YAH EVERYONE.
I GOT A PEANUT ALLERGY
Who says that?
Ding Dong.
Trick Or Treat.
I got a peanut allergy.
I realize peanut allergies are serious. And if I was a restaurant or ice cream store, I would be up to speed on how to handle such situations.
I would have a tongue depressor and the number to 911 handy. I would have all my ice cream clerks armed with an EPI-PEN and I would have alternative food options.
But this is a poke in the eye, and kick in the nuts, a fine how do you do.
I’m out here giving away my hard earned candy for free and suddenly I’m being asked to disseminate candy that is healthy, safe, won’t cause a child to have a seizure on my front porch.
Remember when it was 4 out of 5 dentists you had to worry about?
Now it’s death and seizures and anaphylactic shock.
I thought I was doing good not handing out candy with razor blades or rat poison.
I was wrong
Now I need to be aware of peanut allergies?
I stare at the little girl, suddenly feeling a combination of anger and anxiousness.
I look at my hand. Between my forefinger and thumb are two bright yellow bags of peanut M&M’s.
No peanuts in Peanut M&M’s right?
Wrong.
Each candy is a peanut, wrapped in a sugary shell of deliciousness.
Peanut M&M’s are literally health hand grenades for a child with a peanut allergy.
Eat one delicious candy bomb and then pull the pin.
KABOOM
WHEEEEZE
You hear that?
That’s princesses airway seizing, closing down.
Suddenly Halloween has become a possible law suit in the making.
“sir answer the question. You knowingly placed a peanut laced product in that child’s bag? Yes or no question sir. Yes or no! Your honor I have no more questions for this monster. Bailiff take him away.”
Am I going to be held responsible for princess’ demise if I supply the peanut that causes her brain to suffocate? She’s breathing through a straw as her father wheels her down the aisle and I’m to blame serving 30 to life in Levenworth?
Or will the family go after the real villain in this hideous Halloween heinousness?
The Mars Company.
Yes, MARS.
Doesn’t this evil empire of sweets and chocolate deliciousness know that their candies are peanut flavored time bombs of death for 2.5% of the population.
If it was an endangered mollusk in a creek, the Department of Transportation would not build a billion dollar highway.
Why not file for Bankruptcy Mars? You wouldn’t want a child with a peanut allergy to accidentally eat a peanut M&M.
The little princess stands there with her bag open. She is staring at me as if I have an alternative bowl of safe candy for just such occasions.
“HEY BILL. BRING OUT THE SAFE CANDY FOR THE SPECIAL KIDS” I want to scream.
two problems.
I don’t have anyone named Bill in my house. I don’t have a special bowl of candy for emergencies.
OOOOPs.
I stare back at her, my hands holding death in a hermetically sealed pouch.
I snicker evilly.
Halloween is so evil.
I drop the two bags of Peanut Flavored death into her pillow case.
I look at the parents in the darkness beyond.
“Good Luck with that.”
The little girl stares at me, mouth slightly agape.
Her little face seems to say “you didn’t just do that.”
FACE!
THAT JUST HAPPENED PRINCESS LAYA.
Go home and dump your candy on the kitchen table like we use to.
Have your drunk mom go through your bountiful collection and remove razor blades rat poison and peanuts.
Hopefully you have something left you can consume.
I close the door and belly lough.
I HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY.
KISS MY ASS LITTLE PRINCESS.
And that is how you enjoy Halloween People.
Life’s Crazy™