You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!
The fact that Indianapolis International Airport is voted best airport in North America.
I know, I also had to re-read that sentence twice.
Best airport in North America!
Not just the best airport in Indianapolis!
Not just the best airport in a state where Peyton Manning owns a house!
Not just the best airport in a state that most school kids can’t find on a map!
We’re talking best airport in North America!
DATELINE: INDIANAPOLIS
According to a survey conducted by J,D. Power and Associates, Indianapolis is the nation’s best.
Now I’ve never flown into Indianapolis. Cripes, I didn’t like driving around the city on the loop. So I am just going to have to write this one based on what I read, but what I read makes me wonder if this is another sign of the Apocalypse.
The announcement is based on a survey of more than 12,000 passengers and visitors to 64 airports. Apparently a majority of these prozac junkies marked down the Col. H. Weir Cook Terminal when it comes to passenger satisfaction.
“We are simply THRILLED and honored by this outstanding news,” wrote airport spokeswoman Susan Sullivan, who in her e-mail to The Star gave credit to elected officials, airport leaders, civic and business leaders and many more.
J.D. Power asked passengers how clean are the bathrooms? Did the guy before you flush, did he tinkle all over the seat? Was there water under the urinal that made you feel uncomfortable while you were doing your business. Did the doors latch? Was there a creepy sweaty guy eye balling you while you were taking care of you know what. Was Senator Larry Craig foot tapping to get your attention? Was a guy from Indonesia bathing himself like a cat in the sink. How bout the towel racks? were they electronic? The kind that spit out a postage stamp size of paper towel?
If Indianapolis has the best airport in America, then for your amusement, I offer this list:
Detroit: The city where you are most likely to get shot by a celebratory gun shot.
Manhattan: the City where rats get to vote in mayoral elections.
L.A. the city where breasts can be purchased at the 7/11 and guys with little penises really do drive Corvettes.
S.F. the city where finding a straight man is as tough as escaping from the rock.
S.D.: the city where all citizens are encouraged to be lifeguards and teach a spin class for singles when they aren’t at StarBucks ordering a double half caff frap, or whatever the hell that is.
Nashville is the city where a mini skirt and cowboy boots look good on old women at last call.
Massachussettes is the city where it’s ok to butcher the English language like an eskimo clubs a baby seal.
Newark is the city where the F word is actually acceptable in public school when used as an adjective and of a verb. Example: I’m F-in your sister. That is F-in cool!
Kansas City is the city where only you know whether you are in Kansas or Missouri because nobody else cares. And your ribs are pretty good.
Dallas, the city where it’s ok to crave porter house steaks big belt buckles and cowgirls who ride mechanical bulls without a bra.
Washington D.C, the city where your local news is everyone else’s national news.
Miami, the city where it’s ok to be Latin and not be in a street gang.
Atlanta, the city where we never met a Peach Street we didn’t like.
So congratulations Indy.
Next Up: Seattle, voted the nation’s moistest city with pretty good coffee and a potential fungi.
And that is crazy!